


Children Of The Commander

by Sixtu16



Series: They Were Real (Tribute series) [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alexie is a nightblood, Clarke's daughter, Clarke's sad, F/F, F/M, Feelings, M/M, Mourning, Octavia's and Lincoln's son, Reincarnation, Sad Lexa, eight years after Lexa died, legends about Wanheda, they meet again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-10-18 01:13:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10606242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sixtu16/pseuds/Sixtu16
Summary: It's been eight years since Lexa and Lincoln Kom Trikru died. Clarke and Octavia are now raising their children, Lincoln's son  Link, and Alexie, an orphan girl Clarke found in Azgeda territory. A lot of time has passed, but when Alexie, who's a nightblood, has to go to Polis for her training, Clarke isn't sure she'll deal with being back in Polis very well. On the other side, it's a whole new world for Alexie, who happens to have a lot of questions about Wanheda, lover of the Commander and protector of the people and she's curious to see her mother in Polis' streets.





	1. Legends And Memories

** Chapter 1: Legends and Memories **

****

Alexie is sitting on Arcadia’s rooftop, watching the camp and the people moving around like ants. She can see Bellamy keeping watch in the little tower next to the gate – there’s only one person in the tower during daylight now - and she wonders if one day her mother will let her keep watch in this tower.

She escapes a little scream as a rock hits her shoulder. “Hey! Don’t throw rocks at me!”, Alexie huffs glancing angrily at her little cousin. Link has a smirk on his face, and she thinks it can’t be good. She rolls her eyes, turning her eyes back to the forest. Alexie is not made to stay in camp all day, doing nothing or insignificant tasks such as build or fix things like Raven, or chop wood like Monty and Jasper usually do. She wishes she could be as good as healing people as her mother and grandmother, but she’s not that interested in it.

What Alexie really likes to do is run through the forest, a bow in her hand and arrows on her back, chasing after some animal. Of course she’s only twelve years old, so she’s done so only three times, with Octavia. She sighs, because she longs to be outside. She knows her mother just wants to protect her; Alexie knows well she’s a nightblood and she knows everything it implies. But her mother is not completely stupid; she somehow understands Alexie, and some days Clarke and her take a ride into the forest on horses’ back. That’s Alexie’s favourite days. Those, and the days Clarke and she spend entirely together, too.

Alexie has long brown hair, and eyes so green they match the grass and trees. She heard it broke Clarke’s heart the first time Clarke saw her, but she doesn’t know very well why.   
Now, Alexie is living with Octavia, Link and Clarke. Officially, Clarke is her mother, and Alexie is so glad that she is. Clarke is a good mother, and Alexie couldn’t have wished for someone else.

Another rock hit her back, and she picks it up quickly and throws it back at her cousin. “What is wrong with you?” She huffs again.

Link is watching her like he has something to say, and it makes Alexie huff once again. Sometimes she doesn’t understand him. Link is seven years old; still a bit young to fully be able to play with Alexie, but sometimes they spar with the wood swords Bellamy made for them. Alexie wishes she would be as good as her mother in sparing, or at least as good as Octavia.

Link is still looking at her with a weird look; Alexie cannot say if it’s fear, curiosity or if he is just staring at her.

“What, Link? Don’t you have a voice?” She asks.

“I have a voice” Link shrugs. His skin is way more tanned than Alexie’s; maybe because she was born in Azgeda and maybe because Link is a Trikru’s son.

“Speak then” Alexie sighs at her weird cousin.

“Mom said it was going to be a hard day for Clarke. That we would have to be kind and not create trouble” he says.

Alexie sighs again, because she knows well which day it is. Everyone knows. It is the day the previous Commander, Lexa kom Trikru, died. She knows it’s a sad day for every grounder that lived under her reign. She knows they adored her. But what she knows too, is that her mother adored Lexa way more than everyone else.

She has not had _that_ talk with her mother yet. They are still learning about each other. Clarke doesn’t really know how to take care of a child but she’s trying alongside Octavia and she learns a lot every day. Alexie is still a bit afraid and anxious around people; no one really cared about her before. When she was younger she used to call Clarke “Wanheda” a lot, even if Clarke had repeated her it was not her name. Like every other child, Lexie has heard the rumors too, and sometimes she doesn’t understand why she gets to live with Wanheda, Commander of Death and Soulmate of Lexa the great Commander, as _her_ mother.

But Alexie is learning with Clarke too. Sometimes she understands why Clarke’s name is “Wanheda” and is the leader of Skaikru, respected among all clans, and some other times she understands that Clarke is human and bleeds like her, too. But still, she doesn’t know how much of Wanheda’s story is true;  some say her mother is eternal and will live until the Commander finds her way back to her soulmate. Some say her mother is a guardian sent to protect them down here on Earth. Alexie doesn’t know about _everyone else,_ but she knows Clarke is at least protecting her. And Octavia, and Link, and their friends here in Arcadia. And when she is thinking about it, Alexie finds out Clarke is protecting everyone who needs and/or asks her protection.

Another rock hits her shoulder and she has enough of it. She throws herself at her cousin, pinning him to the ground –the roof, actually- but doing so, they slip and fall down of the roof, landing in a big crack on some cart with hay on it. But they don’t stop here, as Link is grabbing his older cousin by the collar of her jacket and sending her flying into the mud pool right next to the cart. Alexie growls, trying to get up and ready to throw herself at Link once more, when a deep voice stops her. She freezes, because she knows this voice and she knows it’s going to be ugly.

“Alexie Tara Griffin” Clarke says in a deep voice full of threat, “get out of the mud right now”.

Alexie gets up and turns around to see her mother coming towards her with big steps. A few meters behind her is coming Octavia, who looks as pissed as Clarke is. Actually, Octavia looks pissed. Her mother rather looks like she is keeping her emotions at bay as if she’s going to explode if she lets go. It’s pretty scary when Clarke does that, Alexie has to admit. She hears Link mumble something like _we are so screwed_ and Alexie can just stares at the ground, waiting for her mother to get to her.

“Alexie” Clarke says. The twelve years old girl still looks at the ground.

“Alexie, look at me” Clarke repeats.

Alexie levels her eyes, meeting her mother’s, and she has to say once more that Clarke’s look is scary.

“Link, what is the meaning of this?” Octavia asks her son.

Link opens his mouth to speak, but Alexie beats him to it. She can’t let her cousin take the blame. She’s the older one, she jumped on him first.

“This is my fault” Alexie says, “I attacked him and we fell off the roof”. She saws Clarke and Octavia raise a brow at her. She knows the ladies are smart and probably don’t believe her. But there’re a lot of people around gathering, so maybe they don’t want to make a show.

“Go home, clean yourself and wait for me” Clarke says, looking right in her daughter’s eyes.

Alexie all but runs home in shame. Clarke and Octavia shares a _they are both guilty_ look and Octavia goes home with her son. Clarke sighs, and tells the crowd there is nothing to see. Even if they are at peace for eight years now, there are still not a lot of children; so seeing some making trouble is kind of entertaining. Even if Clarke wishes her daughter was not part of the children involved.

* * *

 

She goes back to her hut where Alexie is trying hard to get the mud off her skin. Alexie doesn’t like upsetting her mother; she always fears that Clarke will send her to Polis, or worse, back to Azgeda if she doesn’t act well. And Alexie really doesn’t want to be parted from Clarke; she needs her to feel alive. She knows it’s weird, but she’s only comfortable around Clarke. Well, she’s comfortable enough around Octavia and Link too, but that’s because they practically live in the same house.

So she’s scrubbing her skin so hard she’s beginning to hurt herself as tears are gathering in her eyes. She hates when she disappoints Clarke; she wants to be the perfect daughter, but it’s so hard sometimes... She doesn’t hear Clarke come in, so she jumps when she hears her mother’s voice.

“Lexie” Clarke gently says, taking the cloth from her hands so she stops scrubbing. Alexie’s chin is shaking a bit, still scared about her mother’s reaction. She can’t go back; she can’t handle being sent away. She knows she won’t survive it.

But her mother leads her to a bench and makes her sit on it. Then, Clarke soaks the cloth into a water basin and begin to take the mud away from Alexie’s hands and face with gentle care, and the girl is so surprised about Clarke’s gesture she doesn’t say a word. But Clarke doesn’t say anything either, and soon the silence is too much for Alexie.

“Are you going to send me away...?” Alexie asks so low Clarke would have missed it if she wasn’t that close to her.

“Why did you fight with Link?” Clarke asks instead, surprising Alexie once more.

“I told you. I jumped at him, and we fell off the roof”. The girl repeats.

“Why did you attack him?” Clarke asks again as if Alexie hadn’t said anything at all. “The truth?” she says with an eyebrow raised, knowing her daughter is hiding something.

Alexie sighs, because she knows her mother is smart and there’s no way she can lie to her. “He was... He was throwing rocks at me for no reasons. Or maybe there was a reason, which I don’t know of”.

She dares look up at her mother, and is surprised when Clarke looks back at her with soft eyes. Clarke stills her movements and takes Alexie’s hands in hers.

“I am _not_ going to send you away, Alexie” Clarke says with a very gentle voice, “yes you were wrong to attack your cousin, which could have ended with one of you two really hurt by falling off that roof, but you also didn’t do it for fun. He was pissing you, and you had enough. You were defending yourself, in some ways”.

Alexie says nothing; she is too scared she’s going to say the wrong thing.

“I know you” Clarke says again, caressing Alexie’s cheek with her hand, “and your heart is full of good intentions. You just have to be careful, and not let your emotions rule you. Do you understand?”

Alexie nods, looking at the ground ashamed.

“Alexie, I am your _mother_ ” Clarke whispers, and that makes the girl look up because Clarke doesn’t say it often, “Maybe not your birth one but your mother nonetheless. I do not wish to get rid of you, I _love_ you.”

And a tear rolls down Alexie’s cheek, which Clarke is quick to wipe out with her thumb.

“You are still very young, Lexie, I don’t blame you. You make mistakes and it’s ok. I don’t expect the moon from you. I just expect that you learn from them, so you do not make the same mistake twice. Okay?” Clarke murmurs.

“Okay, Mom” Alexie whispers, a bit reassured by Clarke’s words.

“Come here” Clarke smiles, opening her arms. Alexie throws herself into her mother’s embrace. It’s her safe place. Nothing can happen to her if she’s in Clarke’s arms. Wanheda may be the protector of the people, Alexie knows Clarke will always protect her first. Clarke is strong, and it makes Alexie feel stronger too.

The hug breaks after a while, and Clarke is looking at her daughter, lost in her thoughts. Clarke wonders if she should tell Alexie about what she learned this morning. If it’s time. Clarke sighs, because she knows she has a lot of explanations to do to her daughter.

“Go take a quick shower, and then meet me here, okay?” Clarke says, “We have to talk about some things”.

Alexie nods and grabs some clean clothes before heading out.

* * *

 

Octavia enters the hut not long after.

“Link told me it was his fault, he was throwing rocks at Lexie to make her react” Octavia says, sitting next to Clarke with a sigh.

“Yes I know” Clarke hummed, “She told me”.

“She lied to protect him” Octavia raises a brow.

“Yes, seems so”.

“She is like you.” Octavia smiles, and it makes Clarke smile too, because it’s true Alexie often behaves like Clarke would have.

“Are you going to tell her about...? You know.” Octavia then carefully asks. It’s one of Clarke’s special nights this night, and she hasn’t explained everything to Alexie yet. Octavia knows their children wonder a lot about the famous Wanheda and the Commander, and over the eight years since Lexa’s death, the stories have made them real legends.

“I have to,” Clarke sighs. “She is expected to Polis next week.”

Octavia gasps, because Alexie is only twelve and it feels like she was brought in Arcadia to live with Clarke yesterday.

“Can’t you ask for her to begin her training later?” Octavia suggests.

“I can’t” Clarke sighs again, “She was already supposed to go last year, and the fact that I am Wanheda don’t help us either. They think Alexie is Wanheda’s real biological daughter and that she will succeed to Bonker once she’s old enough.”

Bonker is a twenty years old man, Commander for five years now. He leads well, and the other nightbloods make a good job at guiding him.

“I heard some of them think she is Lexa’s child too” Octavia confesses with a smirk because none of them believe in those things, “that it’s a gift from the Gods to you, and that a part of Lexa is living inside her”.

“I doesn’t help that she looks like her, does it?” Clarke chuckles.

“No it doesn’t” Octavia laughs.

They watch Alexie coming back, freshly showered. Octavia nods to Clarke and leaves the hut.

* * *

 

Clarke gestures for her daughter to take a sit at their dinner table. Alexie watches her mother; she knows something is bothering her.

“Alexie, do you know which day it is today?” Clarke finally asks.

“Yes. It’s the day Lexa kom Trikru, the Commander before Bonker, died.” Alexie answers.

“Yes.” Clarke confirms. “What do you know about her?”

Alexie thinks for a second. “Nightblood from Trikru, she is the one who created the coalition, uniting the twelve clans together. She is the oldest Commander to have ever lived.” The girl bits her lower lip, because she has heard a lot of other things about Lexa but she doesn’t know if Clarke will react well or if it’s what her mother wants to hear.

Clarke notices her daughter’s uncertainty, and raises a brow at her to make her continue.

Alexie sighs, but speaks again. “I heard that she was Wanheda’s soulmate and lover and that before she died in the arms of the love of her life, she gave half her heart and mind to Wanheda, binding them together for eternity. I heard that Wanheda will live until Lexa finds a way to get back to this world and live alongside her lover, and that a part of Heda is living inside Wanheda. Together, they are invincible.”

Clarke nods, because she has heard those rumors too.

“Is this true, Mom?” Alexie carefully asks. It is Clarke’s turn to bit her lips. Then, she gets up under the curious gaze of Alexie. Clarke takes deep breaths in front of the books’ shelve, and tugs something from one of the books’ cover. Alexie’s eyes widen, because she had no idea something was hidden in one of the books.

Clarke comes back to sit in front of her with a piece of paper in her hands. Alexie is very curious, because the paper seems really _really_ old and she can’t wait to see what’s on it. But she patiently waits for Clarke to speak.

Clarke slowly unfolds the paper, like it’s going to turn into dust under her fingers. She takes a look at it, and she tries really hard not to cry. She takes another deep breath. Alexie can see that whatever is on this paper, it’s important enough to raise tears into her mother’s arms. And this is something she had only seen once or twice, every year at the same day.

Finally, Clarke turns the paper and puts it in front of Alexie. Alexie gasps. She has never see Lexa in person, because it’s not like they can take pictures or anything, but she is pretty sure it is the Commander here, well a drawing of her, sleeping.

“Is it...” Alexie trails off.

“Yes. This is Lexa”. Clarke nods.

Alexie recognize the drawing style. She knows her mother made it. “You’re the one who draw her” she states nonetheless.

Clarke nods again as Alexie frowns. Lexa looks a bit like her. She wishes the drawing could have colours.

“She looks a bit like me” Alexie says, and as her mother doesn’t say anything, it’s raising suspicions inside her.

“What parts of what I know are true, Mom?” Alexie asks again. She has a lot of things going on her mind, but she doesn’t want to jump to conclusions.

Clarke gestures at her to get up and to follow her upstairs. Alexie frowns again because she doesn’t know what her mother is doing. They enter the bedroom, where the painting on the ceiling has now become a ceiling-two walls painting. After “adopting” Alexie, Clarke decided she would continue to paint their history on the walls.

Alexie smiles when she sees herself on the painting. But Clarke leads her to the left corner of the room, and point towards the left-bottom corner of the painting on the ceiling.

“What do you see?” Clarke asks, and Alexie frowns because she sees absolutely nothing. She knows this painting well now; Clarke had explained almost every aspect of it.

“Look closer” Clarke says.

And then, Alexie sees it; the pair of green eyes, hidden in the paint. And then, the head of the small animal they belong to, and finally, the entire animal. It looks like a raccoon, or a fox; Alexie doesn’t know. But all she knows is that this eyes looks almost exactly like hers.

“They look like mine,” Alexie whispers, pointing the eyes.

“They are not yours” Clarke whispers back, “they are Lexa’s”.

Alexie’s eyes widen and she turns around so fast she almost fall. “Mom. Why do Lexa’s eyes look like mine...?”

Alexie is scared about what she is about to find out. “Mom, please. What parts of what I heard are true?”

Clarke gently smiles to her daughter and holds her hand for Alexie to take. They sit on the bed, and Clarke put Lexa’s drawing in front of them.

“Lexa and I...” Clarke has to take a deep breath, “Lexa and I were lovers. This part is true. It was complicated, because we were both the leaders of our people, and they were coming first. But eventually, we found our way to each other in the end.”

Alexie smiles, because she sees it is bringing happy memories to her mother.

“Do you remember what I told you about Mount Weather?” Clarke asks. She has explained the mountain to Alexie, a few months ago.

“That’s the first reason people call you Wanheda. You slew the mountain to free your people” Alexie says, and Clarke nods.

“After the mountain, I couldn’t go back to Arcadia” Clarke explains, a hint of sadness in her voice, “so I ran away, hiding and living alone in the woods for three months. Then, Lexa made me captured by Roan, so the ice Queen wouldn’t capture me to take my power. At first I was so angry at her...” Clarke trails off, and Alexie waits patiently for her mother to continue. She cherishes moments like this one, when Clarke opens herself a bit to her. It means a lot to the twelve years old girl.

“But then, I’ve come to understand why she had betrayed us. I probably would have done the same thing” Clarke sighs, “and I was so... drained to her, like I couldn’t do anything to avoid it”.

It makes Alexie smile, to hear her mother talking about how she was falling in love with Lexa.

“I became an ambassador for Skaikru in Polis, where I stayed until Lexa’s death” Clarke said, and Alexie doesn’t fail to notice the shiver in her mother’s voice when she ends the sentence.

“She was a great woman, Alexie” Clarke says with a sad smile on her lips, “And l loved her, I loved so much.”

Alexie gets closer to her, and squeezes her hand.

“But I loved her too late; and she...” Clarke sighs, trying to contain her pain, “and she died in my arms, this is true too.”

Clarke pauses for a few seconds. She has never spoke about it with anyone before. Not even with Octavia. No one really knows how Lexa died, except for Clarke, Titus and Murphy. But Titus is dead, and Murphy is travelling with Emori, the two long gone from Arcadia.

“But she didn’t share her mind and heart with me” Clarke explains, “at least not physically. My heart was hers, as much as her heart was mine, because we were in love with each other, but only in a fictive way. You understand?”

“It’s like when you say that sometimes Raven is killing you? It’s just a way of talking; she’s not really killing you?” Alexie asks, and Clarke nods with a smile because her daughter is smart.

“Yes, exactly” Clarke confirms.

“So Lexa was your lover”.

“Yes.”

“And your soulmate” Alexie deduces again.

“Yes” Clarke nods.

“Like, a part of your soul. Alone, you’re only half-complete?” Alexie then frowns.

“Again, only in a way of talking. It’s more like I’m feeling alone when she is not here with me; I feel like something is missing and I know it’s Lexa I miss”. Clarke explains with sad eyes.

Alexie nods because she is beginning to understand.

“I am not invincible Lexie, but you know that” Clarke then says.

“I know. But Mom... They say you burned 300 warriors in a ring of magic fire in a few seconds, coming out of nowhere. They say you broke free of the Mountain when they had you captive and you tore it down not long after. Is this not true?”

Clarke sighs. “No Lexie, you know I did those things. But never alone; and not because I have superpowers. I have really smart friends, I was just the one making the decisions, using the technology we had at the time. That is why the grounders thought it was magic. Because they couldn’t understand the tech we used”.

Alexie nods. It makes sense. Something is still bothering her though. “So you will not live long enough to reunite with Lexa?”

Clarke smiles a very sad smile, and Alexie knows that maybe she shouldn’t have asked.

“No I will not. You remember when I said that people who died stay dead forever?” Clarke asks.

Alexie nods again, very focused on her mother’s words.

“People who died once cannot come back into this world. Some people believe there is nothing after death; that you die, and you stay dead. You no longer exist” Clarke starts.

Alexie is not very happy with this perspective –to die and stay dead for ever- but she has a feeling her mother thinks differently.

“What do _you_ think, Mom?” The girl asks.

“I tend to believe that, when you die, your spirit continues to live. It goes to another place, with all the minds from the other people who died before you. And I believe that, once you die, you reunite with every person you lost when you were still alive, and you can be together forever after.” Clarke says. She didn’t really believe in an after-life, before Lexa. But now, it’s the only thing she can hang on to; she needs to believe that, once her time would come, she would be reunited with her love again.

“Like Lexa could be with Lincoln right now, Link’s dad?” Alexie asks.

“Yes, they could be together” Clarke approves. Alexie hums.

“So it means that, to be reunited with Lexa”, Alexie then frowns, “you have to die?”

Clarke raises a brow at her daughter as they make their way downstairs, because it’s a weird way of thinking. “Kind of, yes”.

“It’s not fair” Alexie pouts and it’s breaking Clarke’s heart. Clarke smiles, sits down and takes her daughter in her arms.

“Life is not always fair, my love” Clarke whispers, “but it is worth living nonetheless”.

Alexie nods. But she still has one more question. “Why do I look like her? Am I...”

“No, you’re not her daughter” Clarke sadly says, because how bad she wishes it was true, “but I do believe Lexa’s spirit put you in my life. The first time I saw you”, Clarke continues, “I cried because you reminded me so much of her. But your green eyes are the reason some people think you’re physically Lexa’s and my daughter.”

“But that’s not possible” Alexie frowns.

“No it’s not. You know I am not your biological mother, and neither was Lexa” Clarke says, and then sadly smiles to her daughter, “but some days I like to think that, if Lexa didn’t die, maybe she would have raised you with me”.   

Alexie nods and doesn’t say anything right after. She learned a lot of things today, and she needs time to process everything. She doesn’t have that time though, because Clarke is speaking again.

“I need to tell you something else”.

And Alexie freezes, because she knows. She looks up at her mother, and by the look on her face, she knows.

“I have to go to Polis” the girl whispers, her face losing all colours.

Clarke doesn’t say anything, and it’s enough for Alexie to confirm her fears. Her time is over. She has to leave Arcadia.


	2. Leaving Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 2 of Children of The Commander. How will Alexie react to having to go to Polis to train with other nightbloods?

_You can listen to “Why not" by Jonsi, it fits well even if it's a song without lyrics ;)_

****

Alexie cannot speak. She knew this day would come; but it has come way too soon. She is not ready. Clarke feels her daughter tense in her arms, and it’s breaking her heart.

“Alexie...” Clarke starts, but her daughter doesn’t give her time to say anything more.

“I don’t want to go Mom, I don’t want to” Alexie panics, getting up frantically, “I’m not ready, I don’t want to be a nightblood, I don’t want to go in Polis” Alexie is crying right now. She’s still young and she knows being in Polis means being alone with a lot of strangers, and she can’t be away from Clarke. She follows her everywhere because she feels like she can’t breathe if Clarke is not around.

Clarke gets up quickly to take her daughter back in her arms, because she knows Alexie can panic really hard sometimes and she doesn’t want her daughter to choke because of a panic attack.

“Alexie listen to me” Clarke says with a loud voice so the girl would stop fussing, “listen to me” Clarke repeats several times in the ear of her daughter until Alexie hears her.

Alexie finally calms down, panting in her mother’s arms.

“I know you are scared” Clarke starts, “and I know you wish you didn’t have to leave for Polis”.

Alexie tries to escape but Clarke holds her still. “No one will force you to do something you don’t want to, ok?”

Alexie weakly nods.

“But you’re a nightblood, Lexie, and you know what it implies. You have to at least try. You have to go to Polis, to see if you really hate it or not. That is the only thing I am forced to make you do, do you understand? I’m only asking you to try” Clarke tries to explain to her.

Alexie nods again, “I don’t want to be alone” the girl whispers as tears are falling from her eyes.

Clarke smiles, and it makes Alexie frowns. “Do you really think I was going to let you leave alone?” The Blonde chuckles and it makes Alexie frown even more because she doesn’t understand what her mother is saying.

“Alexie you are _mine_ , my _daughter_ , my responsibility. I won’t let you go somewhere without being here to look after you; even if you don’t need my protection” Clarke gently says.

“What are you saying?” Alexie sniffles.

“I’m coming with you to Polis” Clarke smiles, and Alexie throws herself at her mother’s neck.

“Is this for real? I love you” Alexie burst into happy tears this time, soaking Clarke’s shirt.

“Oh daughter of mine” Clarke laughs, hugging her child back, “I love you too”.

Soon Alexie is laughing too, and Clarke thinks that maybe, today won’t be as sad as the last years.

When they finally part, Clarke has wet eyes too, and Alexie is looking at her with so much emotion in her eyes she swears this child is going to be the death of her.

“Now,” Clarke says, “we have to leave tomorrow first thing. Go pack the things you want to carry to Polis”.

Alexie nods and disappears into the stairs.

* * *

 

Alone downstairs, Clarke sighs and runs a hand through her hairs. She hasn’t been to Polis much, since A.L.I.E was destroyed. She doesn’t really know if she’s going to be fine over there. Everything is so... _Lexa_. But she knows her child is terrified by Polis and the unknown that comes with it, and she cannot let Alexie go there alone.

She gets up and walks out of the hut. She needs to find her mother. Naturally she walks to the med bay, and naturally Abby is there, treating some superficial wound.

“Hi honey” Abby says with a smile to her daughter, finishing to put a bandage on the man’s leg.

Clarke patiently waits for her mother to be done; she learned to love the calm here, watching her mother so focused on something.

“Ok you’re done” Abby says to the man and helps him get up, “come back in a few days so I can check on that”.

The man thanks Abby and leaves.

“Is everything fine?” Abby then asks Clarke while cleaning stuff.

Clarke nods, but her mother is doing things and doesn’t see the nod and Clarke is getting a bit angry because she really wants to talk to her mother and Abby doesn’t seem to understand it.

“Mom please will you stop doing... Stuff?” Clarke asks, “I’m trying to talk to you”.

Abby raises a brow, because it’s been a long time since Clarke has wanted to talk to her mother. If Abby thinks about it more, Clarke never really talks to her. But she looks at her daughter, and she can see that Clarke is bothered by something, so she sits down and wait for Clarke to speak.

“Alexie... Lexie needs to go to Polis” Clarke finally drops in a sigh.

Abby sighs too, because she knows Alexie doesn’t want to go and Clarke doesn’t want her to go either. But by the anxious way Clarke is behaving, like she seeks approbation or something, she feels like there’s more to the story.

“You’re going to Polis with her” Abby then states, having understood what Clarke is telling with her eyes.

“Yes” Clarke confirms. Abby sighs because she is a bit worried for her daughter.

“Will you be ok, being in Polis?” Abby carefully asks.

She doesn’t really know what the deal with Lexa was. She only knows Clarke loved her, and Lexa loved her back. I mean, it’s not like their love story is a grounder myth...! She knows Clarke cries sometimes for her dead lover, and that she longs to leave this world to be reunited with Lexa. Abby knows her daughter is suffering in silence, and will do so for the rest of her life. In fact, it was a time where Abby thought Clarke was going to end her days for her pain to end. She knows Lexa was the one for Clarke, and even if Clarke finds love again, later, it would never be enough for the Blonde, and it’s breaking Abby’s heart. The older Griffin knows what it’s like, to have loved the _one and only_. She’s so sad Clarke is still so young, and she’s so sad she lost her soulmate when she was not even twenty years old yet.

“I don’t know” Clarke sighs, tearing Abby out of her thoughts, “but I can’t let Alexie go to Polis on her own” she offers her mother a tiny smile with a shrug, “I too have a daughter to look after, now”.

It makes Abby chuckle, because she still can’t believe her daughter has a child of her own. The older woman is glad though; she knows Alexie saved Clarke as much as Clarke saved the little girl, and she knows it is what keeps Clarke going.

“Is anyone coming with you?” Abby then asks, “Octavia? Raven? Bellamy?”

Clarke nods negatively because she hasn’t asked any of her friends to come with her. She hasn’t told them about her trip at all, actually.

Abby gets up to hug her daughter. She knows Clarke suffers a lot from Lexa’s absence, even if it’s been eight years, and she’s a bit scared being in Polis will just make things worse for Clarke; but she also knows nothing can make Clarke change her mind, so she just hugs her daughter.

“Promise me you’ll be careful” Abby whispers.

“I will, Mom. I promise” Clarke answers, a tiny smile on her face. She doesn’t know if it’s to reassure her mother or herself.

“Ok. I’ll see you before you go then” Abby says, breaking the hug.

* * *

 

Clarke walks out of med bay, feeling a bit overwhelmed. She doesn’t exactly know why, though. Luckily she has not time to think about it as Octavia is walking towards her with a curious expression on her face.

“I swear to God if Link causes any more trouble, I’ll ground him in our hut forever” Octavia sighs as she reaches Clarke.

“What has he done this time?” Clarke chuckles, because their children have a big tendency to always find themselves into troubles, and she’s a bit surprised Alexie has not a part to play in everything this time.

“My son and your daughter apparently found funny to hide every tool the farm sector use to grow food, and I just spent an hour being scolded by the sector’s responsible as if I was still fifteen, because of them” Octavia huffs.

Clarke sighs because she knew her daughter couldn’t be innocent. “How many days did they manage to hide the things?”

“The man said tools were missing for almost a week now” Octavia answers, sighting and sitting on a near bench, gesturing for Clarke to do the same.

They stay silent for a while, just watching people moving around them.

“Do you think we are bad parents?” Octavia then murmurs, and Clarke can hear the fear in her voice.

“Oh no, we are good parents!” Clarke answers immediately, “it is our children that are _bad_ ”.

It makes Octavia laugh and Clarke is happy that a smile is back on Octavia’s face. They are silent again.

“Octavia” Clarke starts again, “Alexie and Link are just like us, they are the same as we were when we first got down here on Earth. They hate being stuck inside or having to stay behind Arcadia’s fence” Clarke explains, gesturing around them. “They want liberty, freedom. They just want to run full speed with grass under their feet and ride horses through the forests. We didn’t get to be kids, but they do have that chance. It’s ok for them to cause trouble, to mess a bit with people. It’s what’s kids do. I don’t think that makes us bad parents”.

Octavia nods, trying to understand everything Clarke is telling or not telling.

“They are both very smart child, but we have to remember Alexie was born Ice Nation and Link is the son of two Trikru warriors. Being stuck inside was never in their blood” Clarke adds.

Octavia escapes a sigh, and Clarke knows it’s one of those nostalgic sighs.

“You think I’m Trikru?” Octavia asks with a tiny voice.

Clarke turns her head to the side to look at Octavia, and smiles. “I think you are who you want to be. Part of the kru you _feel_ you belong to”.

“What if I don’t know where I belong?” Octavia says again with an even more broken voice.

Clarke puts her hand on top of Octavia and gives it a light squeeze. “You belong with Link” Clarke offers, “you belong with Alexie and I, you belong with Bellamy, and Raven and Monty. You belong with _this_ family” Clarke gestures between them.

Octavia squeezes back. “Where do _you_ belong to?” She then asks.

Clarke sighs, “I don’t know either”. Clarke doesn’t know, and Octavia hums because she understands the feeling. Clarke belonged with Lexa. Octavia belonged with Lincoln. But it’s more complicated for Clarke, because she’s Skaikru’s leader, she’s the living Legend, she’s Wanheda the protector of the people; so she doesn’t know if she’s only Skaikru anymore, or a bit of every clan, or none of them at all.

“Maybe we should create another Kru” Octavia jokes, “for people like us who doesn’t belong somewhere in specific”.

Clarke chuckles as she thinks it would not be such a bad idea. A clan for people who belonged somewhere at some point, but who don’t anymore. People who lost their homes at the same time they lost the ones they loved, or people who don’t have anyone to care for them.

“It could be funny” Clarke jokes, “the fourteenth clan”.

Octavia laughs, “Do you imagine? Everyone would want to be a part of the new clan, Wanheda’s Kru!”

They spent ten more minutes trying to find names for their non-existent Kru and they almost felt like they are just normal people with time to waste, sitting on some bench under the sun.

* * *

 

Of course, this feeling didn’t last very long, and soon Alexie was coming to tell her mother she was done with packing her bags.

“Can I go find Link now?” Alexie asks, in a hurry to meet with her cousin to play.

“Yes you can, just be home for dinner, both of you” Clarke smiles to her daughter as she watches her run towards Octavia’s hut.

Clarke can feel the Octavia’s eyes on her, but doesn’t say anything.

Finally, Octavia speaks. “Why did Alexie pack her bags?”

“I told you this morning” Clarke shrugs, “she has to go to Polis”.

“But she seems happy about it. Clarke, she may not be _my_ daughter, but I know her. She hated the idea of having to go to Polis. What changed?” Octavia insists, knowing Clarke is hiding something.

Clarke takes a deep breath. “I’m going to Polis with her”.

Octavia’s eyes widens; she remembers one of the special nights a few years ago, where Clarke told her she would never be able to go back to Polis.

“Clarke” Octavia murmurs, “you said you...”

“I know, I know” Clarke said in a whisper, “But Octavia, I can’t let her go alone, she’s _terrified_ to be alone in Polis, I can’t bail on her because I’m scared, too...!”

“But this isn’t any place, Clarke” Octavia adds, “We are talking about Polis. _Polis...!”_

Clarke nervously chuckles, because she fuckin’ knows it’s Polis they are talking about. It’s the one city Clarke fears like the cholera; the one place she swore she would never go back to. But now she has no choice; Alexie is her responsibility, and she has to be strong for her daughter.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Octavia suggests, “I could...”

“No” Clarke shakes her head, “You hate Polis as much as I do. I won’t ask you to come with me. Plus, Link is not made for big cities”.

Octavia chuckles because this is so right. Link is like his father; sleeping in open spaces, less people the better.

Clarke sighs, because she has to go packing too, and she doesn’t want to. She might not like living here in Arcadia very much, but Polis... Polis is so _Lexa_ she is not sure she will be able to breathe.

“Clarke” Octavia gently says, noticing Clarke’s stress and putting a hand on her knee, “it’s been eight years. Maybe things have changed...?”

Clarke smiles a very sad smile, because she knows her friend is only trying to make her feel better and give her some strength. But Polis will always mean “Lexa” to Clarke; everything there will always _scream_ “Lexa” in Clarke’s mind. And that, this is something Clarke cannot bear to hear every time she opens her eyes.

“You’re going to be ok, Clarke” Octavia says again. “ _We_ are going to be ok”.

Clarke nods, wishing hard for Octavia’s words to be true.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon my english, I'm a french girl, sometimes I make mistakes ;) feel free to leave me a comment and tell me if you want me to continue this story!


	3. Going to Polis

Chapitre 3 : Polis

_You can listen to Lullaby Love by Roo Panes, the song is fitting and it’s one of my favourite song at the moment. ;)_

It’s early in the morning when Alexie jumps on the horse they gave her. It was her favourite horse in Arcadia; a black horse so black you couldn’t see it if it was in something’s shadow. She’s glad her mother gives it to her. Alexie didn’t expect to receive any gifts; but Clarke said every nightblood had to have a horse of their own in Polis, for training. Alexie is even more grateful that her mother knew exactly what horse she wished to have.

It is funny to see them side by side, because Clarke’s horse is as white as the snow. Alexie thinks they make quite the pair. She’s so grateful her mother is coming with her; with Clarke by her side, maybe Polis won’t be that bad.

Alexie throws a glance towards Clarke, speaking with Bellamy and Octavia. The girl is still very young, but she doesn’t miss the dark circles surrounding Clarke’s eyes. Last night was one of the special nights. Alexie sighs lowly, because she now understands more about Clarke’s relationship with Lexa since their talk, and her heart is aching for her mother. Alexie now wishes every night on the stars; she prays for her soulmate to find her; she prays for Clarke’s soul, now half-empty; and she prays for her own soulmate and herself to find each other and be together forever.

Link is coming towards her to say goodbye. She got off the horse and hugs her little cousin she’s going to miss. Even if he annoys her seventy percent of the time.

* * *

 

Clarke’s eyes are hurting, and she feels like she has been drained of all fluids in her body. Last night was not different from the years’ before. When she couldn’t bear behind inside looking at the green eyes, she went out and broke down in the grass looking at the sky where she knows Lexa is looking down.

As the years before, she stared at Lexa’s drawing, and cried her pain to the night. And a few minutes later as usual, Octavia came to her, embracing her in her arms to calm her down and remind her she is never alone.

They slept all together like old times, the four of them. Alexie and Link fell asleep quickly, but they both know their mothers talked until the sun was rising in the sky again.

“Clarke” Octavia says to catch the Blonde’s attention. She waits until she has Clarke’s eyes on her to speak again. “You can do this” Octavia then whispers, “I know you will be ok”.

Clarke hums as a thank you and hugs her friend. She knows Octavia is only trying to give her strength, but she’s not so sure about the “being ok” part.

“We are only one call away, okay?” Bellamy says, hugging Clarke too.

“I know” Clarke whispers back. She’s terrified to see Polis again. But she knows she’s not alone; her friends will be there in a second if she needs them. With the years, she has learned to lean more on them; she is probably the strongest of them all, but she needs people to stand on her feet, too.

Clarke then jumps on her horse; in the eight years between Lexa’s death and now, Clarke has learned a lot. She has travelled to all clans, learning medical stuff, fighting and learning with anyone who wanted to teach her something about holding a weapon. She is now more skilled than Octavia; she’s not only Wanheda for her past actions, she’s also Wanheda because every grounder believes death is what comes out of her sword in a single second if she wishes to. It only adds to her reputation.

They wave a last time to their friends before taking off. Bellamy earlier insisted to go with them; he was afraid of Clarke and Alexie being in the woods on their one, until Octavia reminded him who he was speaking about.

There was a time where anyone would have find vengeance in killing Clarke, or any Skaikru really. There was a time when Clarke and Alexie would have indeed been in danger during the whole trip. But now, killing Wanheda would be a shame, a curse on the whole killer’s bloodline. Wanheda was a gift from the Gods; she was there to help, to protect. She was sacred; no one would dare move against her or any of her original kru. They are way too afraid of the Gods’ fury to dare anything. Beside, she’s Wanheda; she can’t be killed anyway.

They ride in silence as Clarke looks around them for any threat - even if she doubts there’s any - , while Alexie is greatly enjoying being in the woods.

“Mom?” Alexie then breaks the silence.

“Yes?” Clarke hums.

“How is it?” Alexie asks, and then adds for her mother who doesn’t understand what she means, “Polis. How is it?”

Clarke smiles. “Polis is... Polis _was_ beautiful. All clans were there, living together” Clarke explains, moving her arms in the air, “Polis was probably the only place where there weren’t fights every day”.

“ _Was_?” Alexie questions, having noticed the past word Clarke used.

“I haven’t been in Polis for a long time” Clarke sighs, and Alexie can say it’s a nostalgic one. “Maybe Polis changed”.

“When have you last been in Polis, Mom?” Alexie asks again.

“Seven years ago” Clarke murmurs, “Before you came to live with me”.

Alexie gasps inside herself, even if the answer doesn’t really surprise her. When she thinks about it, it’s true that Clarke never left Arcadia for more than a day or two from the start where Alexie lived in Arcadia, but as she was little, Alexie was not sure where her mother was going when she was leaving.

They don’t talk more, and Alexie watches her mother for the rest of their travel. Alexie feels like there is something more about Polis, something Clarke hasn’t told her yet; she can see in the way Clarke’s eyes are empty when she’s lost in her thoughts, she can read it from the way Clarke inaudibly sighs the closer they get to Polis.

Finally, it’s dark outside and they are in front of Polis’ gates. The guards don’t waste time opening them; they all recognised Wanheda.

Alexie follows Clarke to the stable, where a young boy takes their horses’ reins.

“Wanheda, they made private stables for you” The boy says, looking at the ground, “Shall I place the horses there?”

Alexie can see Clarke is surprised, but can only applause her mother for the unsurprised look she gives the boy.

“Yes, that would be great. What’s your name?” Clarke asks the stable boy.

“Kayden, Wanheda” The boy bows before her.

Clarke frowns because she’s not used to children bowing in front of her. No one bows before her in Arcadia.

“Your name is not a grounder one” Clarke states.

“No it is not” The boys confirms, “My father is no grounder. I believe he is Skaikru like you, Wanheda”.

To say that Clarke is surprised is a euphemism. She doesn’t know of any remaining Skaikru not living in Arcadia.

“How old are you, Kayden?” Clarke then asks him.

“I have seen six summers, Wanheda”.

Clarke hums, and tells him the can go put the horses at the stable. She’s intrigued by this little man as she tells herself to ask someone about it. He looks a bit familiar to her, but she can’t say why. Maybe she’ll ask Roan, if he comes by Polis while Clarke and Alexie are staying.

“Why do the grounders tell their ages with the number of summer they have seen?” Alexie asks, breaking Clarke’s trail of thoughts, “it’s a bit stupid.”

Clarke raises a brow, amused at her daughter. “Why is it stupid?”

“Because someone born in mars will see his first summer very soon. But if another person gives birth in October from the same year, the child would not see any summer before the next year” Alexie throws herself into a big demonstration, “Both children would physically have the same age, because born on the same year, but not the same number of summers!”

Clarke chuckles at her daughter because of the energy Alexie has just put into her explanation to prove her point. “You’re correct, Alexie” Clarke begins, “But grounders are smart, too. They are careful when it is about conceiving a child. They know when not to conceive a child, for it not to be born on winter. Winters were harsh in the past, when they had not access to Skaikru medicine, and a new born could not survive if it was out in winter. Therefore, children were only born just before summer”.

“That is clever” Alexie then agrees with her mother. “It’s like animals, rights? Times to conceive, times to give birth”.

“Yes, like animals” Clarke cannot hold her laugh any longer. Alexie joins her mother, as they are both laughing in Polis’ night.

* * *

 

Clarke and Alexie finally reach the tower where three people are waiting for them. Clarke can recognise the new Commander, Bonker, standing alongside two warriors.

“Clarke kom Skaikru” Bonker respectfully says, bowing his head when she reaches him.

“Commander” Clarke says back, holding her arm for him to shake. They exchange the shake of arms, as Clarke is suddenly feeling uncomfortable under his stare. Something... It’s something in his eyes. They break apart as Bonker finally lowers his eyes on Alexie, who unconsciously take a step closer to her mother.

“And you must be Alexie” he says with a gentle voice. Bonker is young, twenty years old, and yet, he behaves as if he was thirty. It reminds Clarke of how Lexa used to be. Always serious, looking a lot older than she actually was. Clarke internally scowls herself for having thoughts about her lover. If she starts, she won’t be able to stop.  

Alexie bows her head at the Commander. She has to admit he is a bit impressive, with his posture and the Commander’s clothes on him.

“Wanheda, this is Jael and Radok. They will be your guards in Polis” Bonker gestures to the two men standing next to him.

Alexie watches as her mother frowns. “I did not remember having to have guards by my side in the past” Clarke says.

“I know you probably don’t need a guard” Bonker lightly smiles, “But it would comfort me if you agreed with one of them being with you when you go out of the tower”.

“I am sorry, Commander” Clarke negatively nods, “But I’d rather not”.

The two warriors’ eyes widen as they hear Wanheda refuse something to the Commander. They watch carefully the Commander to see his reaction; but surprisingly, it makes him smile even more.

“I had the feeling you would say that” Bonker smiles, “King Roan of Azgeda is to be here tomorrow, at least let him be by your side”.

Clarke nods, clasping the Commander’s arm as an agreement. She could deal with being by Roan’s side when out of the tower. Roan is a friend, one of the few who really knows and understand Clarke’s and Lexa’s past relationship. He knows what Lexa meant to Clarke, he knows what Lexa represents.

“Radok is to be by your daughter’s side” Bonker then adds, in a voice that doesn’t leave choice for protestations, “All nightblood have a companion, to protect them and accompany them in their training”.

Clarke nods, and it surprises Alexie because Clarke acts like she knew about this already. But then, she sees the smirk rising on Clarke’s face as she cocks her head to the side.

“I created this condition, Bonker” Clarke smiles teasingly, “I’m ok with Radok being around Alexie”.

Bonker smiles back at Clarke as Alexie and the warriors stare at them with wide eyes. “I sometimes forget you are the one who created this system, Clarke”.

They exchange a smile. Alexie notices how the two of them seems close, as the Commander allows her mother to call him by his first name and as the Commander seems to consider Clarke as his equal.

“Your quarters are the same as the last time you were there, Clarke” Bonker then says with a gentle voice, and Alexie wonders why.

“Not on tenth floor?” Clarke asks with a weak voice she’s trying to hide, and Alexie cannot do anything else than wonder why, too. She feels like the two adults are having a conversation she can’t understand.

“Not on the tenth floor” Bonker nods, and then put his hand on Clarke’s shoulder. Alexie hears her mother sigh, and then she nods as Bonker takes his hand back.

“Alexie can share your quarters tonight” Bonker finally adds, “But tomorrow she will join the nightbloods and start her training”.

Clarke nods as they share a last shake of arms before Bonker is gone in the tower. Then, Radok kneels before Alexie, bowing his head.

“I will be in front of your door tomorrow morning, _Aleksie_ ” And with that, he leaves, Jael on his heels.

Alexie looks at her mother, surprised. “Mom, why did he just bow to me?”

Clarke chuckles at the confused expression on her daughter’s face.

“You’re an important person, Lexie” Clarke says as she leads them towards her chamber, “Nightbloods are important. Radok is your bodyguard. He will die for you”.

“I don’t want anybody to die because of me!” Alexie says, horrified.

“You don’t understand” Clarke gently says as they walk into corridors, “You will probably be a leader someday, even if you’re not Commander. People will always look up to you. And those people know that, in order for you to protect them, they have to be sure you are not dead.”

Alexie nods, not very sure to understand everything her mother is telling her.

“It is a part of our lives, Alexie. People who love you, look up to you or admire you will always want to protect you, even if it comes with the cost of their own lives” Clarke finishes her explanations.

She opens her room’s door, and Alexie’s eyes widen when she takes in the size of the room. Clarke closes the door behind them.

“Radok is your protector now” Clarke starts talking again, “He will teach you all he knows, he will train you when you’re not with the Nightbloods, he will be your anchor and supporter for as long as he lives”.

“Does every nightblood have one?” Alexie asks, running her hand on the bed’s furs.

“Yes” Clarke nods. “Some nightbloods are here for already a long time now, so they are very close with their protector”.

“I don’t think I want a protector” Alexie confesses, her voice low, “Can’t you be my protector?”

That makes Clarke smile at her daughter. “Lexie, I will always be your protector because I am your mother” Clarke says, “But I cannot be the protector of any nightblood. I can’t valorise one over the others”.

Alexie pouts a bit, and Clarke laughs at her. But then, Alexie watches as the smile leaves her mother face and as her blue eyes lose themselves.

Alexie frowns too and comes to sit by her mother on the bed. “Mom?”

Clarke doesn’t respond, her eyes looking empty. She remembers when she valorised one special nightblood over all others, and it’s not a good memory.

“Mom?” Alexie tries again.

Clarke shook her head. “Yeah, honey?”

“Are you ok?” Alexie asks, getting concerned about her mother.

Clarke offers a weak smile, “I will be”.

Alexie nods, not convinced but she lets it go. It’s getting late; they travelled all day so she’s yawning every minute. She gets under the covers as Clarke is sitting by the window, looking at the night.

“Goodnight, Mom” Alexie whispers.

“Goodnight, daughter of mine” Clarke whispers back. Alexie sighs into the furs, content with the comfort this big bed offers. It’s not exactly the same as sleeping besides her mother, Octavia and Link, but she thinks she could get used to it. Of course, she knows she will probably sleep with the others nightbloods in some dorm tomorrow night, but for now, she’s happy she’s with her mother. Alexie throws a last look to her mother, watching over her; she smiles, and drifts off to sleep.

* * *

 

Clarke waits until Alexie is sound asleep to move out of the room. She knows she shouldn’t, but she _needs_ to see. Clarke goes upstairs to the very floor she said she would never go back again. She puts her hand on the doorknob, her entire body shaking. Few years ago, Roan promised Clarke this room would never be given to someone; that it would always be Clarke’s room, even if she never ever slept in it again.

Clarke is grateful for it; it is a sacred place to her. Two of the rooms here are sacred. Everybody knows it, and respects it. Clarke takes a deep shaky breath, and slowly pushes the door open.

The lights take a few seconds to light the room. Skaikru worked to put electricity in the tower a few years ago; it’s all powered by the old dam, on Polis’ lake. Raven taught some grounders some technical stuff, and now there are mechanics and engineers living in grounders’ villages, able to fix minor problems, so Raven or Monty doesn’t need to travel every time something breaks.

Clarke closes her eyes, and takes a few steps into the room, giving herself a few seconds more. Her heart is beating super fast; she’s apprentice of what she’s about to see. She takes another deep breath, and slowly, Clarke opens her eyes.

She lets her eyes wonder a bit into the room, taking her surroundings in. Then, she spots the bed. _Her_ bed, _the_ bed. The one Lexa bled to death onto. And everything flashes into Clarke’s mind.

_Lexa’s lying on the bed, shaking as blood runs away from her body. Her eyes focused on Clarke’s as she tries to persuade Clarke that everything is fine. But Clarke can feel the thick black blood soaking her fingers; she can feel Lexa’s life escaping between her hands. And Clarke knows, she knows this is the end._

_“Don’t be afraid”._

 

Clarke’s ears are ringing as Lexa’s words echoes through her head. She puts a hand on the fur; a clean one, of course. The blood stained ones are fare long gone.

 

_“Stay with me” Clarke whispers, but she already knows Lexa won’t. “I will fix you” she says again, “Just stay with me”._

_Clarke remembers as Titus talks with Lexa; she remembers what Lexa makes Titus promise, and the hidden love declaration Lexa is making with it._

_“Don’t you dare give up” Clarke says, as Lexa has more and more trouble breathing._

_“I’m not” Lexa weakly says to comfort Clarke, “My spirit will..”_

_“I’m not letting you die” Clarke says again, for Lexa as much as for herself. She knows it’s over. She knows she lost the battle, but she can’t believe it. She won’t._

_But then, Lexa’s next words break her heart for good, because Lexa knows, too. “There is nothing you can do, now”._

 

Clarke’s knees buckle as her whole body remembers everything she tried so hard to forget; the things her mind has shut down for the past eight years. She collapses on the bed, trying to anchor herself to something that is gone for ages now.

 

_“Clarke” Lexa calls her, and Clarke knows it’s the end._

_“I’m here” Clarke says, putting her hand on Lexa’s face. She wants to give her strength to Lexa, she wants to give her everything she has; but it will not be enough._

_“You were right, Clarke” Lexa croaks, “Life is about more than surviving”._

And Clarke breaks. She’s crying on the bed, clutching at the covers she knows Lexa never touched. She remembers Lexa’s loving eyes focused on her until her last breath. Those eyes she dreams of every day, every night, in every dreams and nightmares. Those eyes she loved so much, those eyes would loved her back maybe even more. Those eyes which haunt her and those eyes she painted on her ceiling.

Clarke is sobbing, once more, thinking of Lexa. And Clarke is so tired of crying, so very tired, but she knows it’s better to hurt than to not feel a thing. She misses Lexa, and it’s been eight years now. Eight years that this hole in her chest threatens to eat her alive.

Suddenly, the bedroom’s door cracks open, and Clarke jumps, taken by surprise. She quickly wipes her tears as anger is running through her whole body; not one is authorized to come here, except herself. She is broken enough, she doesn’t need someone to see her. She turns around, ready to lash out on the intruder with her “Wanheda” face, but then she stops.

Octavia is here, standing in the middle of the room, sadness written all over her face.

“O” Clarke manages to croak as her knees weaken again and as she falls to the ground, her whole body taken over by violent and loud sobs.

Octavia rushes to her and buries her into her arms. “Clarke, don’t forget to breathe. I’m here” She whispers in blonde hair.

Clarke grasps Octavia’s arms as she cries against her friend’s body. Octavia begins to slowly rock her, so Clarke can calm down.

Clarke’s mind is still flashing with memories; how she kissed Lexa, and how she felt Lexa kiss back for a few second before Clarke felt her last breath on her lips. How Lexa’s eyes were still on her when there was no more light in it. The way Lexa gave everything she had left to Clarke, that day. Her last look. Her last words. Her last breath.

Then, Clarke begins to calm down. Her sobs eventually die, being replaced by silent tears running down her cheeks. She focus on Octavia’s heart’s sound. It’s beating fast, as Clarke’s, and Clarke knows it’s because Octavia is scared, too. Octavia is hurting too, even if right now she’s being the strong one because Clarke needs her to be.

“What are you doing here..?” Clarke finally whispers, moving a bit so they are sitting in a more comfortable position, with Octavia’s back to the bed.

“I left the minute after you did” Octavia confesses. “I went back to the hut, and I couldn’t do it. Be there, on my own” She explains to Clarke. “Link wasn’t hard to convince” She chuckles, “We took horses and followed you”.

“But, Polis...” Clarke begins.

“I’m going to be ok, too. Truth is” Octavia says, “I’m only _ok_ when I’m with you. And maybe I need some change of air. Maybe we both need it”.

Clarke nods. Eight years after, they are still broken. But maybe they can be broken together, and maybe that is how they’ll heal, someday.


	4. First Lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter! If you're new to the story, I suggest you ready the first two parts, to understand this part better! I also work on another fic, which is my priority, so I'll update this one when I can, once in a while. ;)
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it!
> 
> Oh, and don't forget I'm a french girl, so mistakes can be seen, nobody's perfect ;)

** Chapter 4 : First Lesson **

_You can listen to Embody me by Novo Amor while reading this chapter ;)_

Alexie is woken up by a light knocking on the door. She knows it’s still early in the day, because the sun is not completely up in the sky. She sighs before getting up; today, she’ll meet with the other nightbloods and her future teachers. She’d rather be in Arcadia and play with her cousin. She quickly looks around the room, and is a bit disappointed when she doesn’t spot her mother. She knows it’s probably because she had important things to do; Clarke always says that life is Polis starts way earlier than in Arcadia. She figures she’ll have to get ready on her own.

She quickly dresses and opens the door. Radok is here, and he nods to her as a greeting.

“Hello, _Aleksie kom Skaikru_ ” He says, “Are you ready to meet the nightbloods?”

Alexie shrugs; she’s not, but it doesn’t really matters. Radok understands what Alexie says with her silence, and gestures for her to follow him.

“The training place is fifteen minutes from here” Radok says. “But you will become better, and you will take less and less time to move yourself”.

Alexie nods. She’s a bit amused by Radok’s accent; it’s a strong one, a bit like if he was a Russian talking in English.

“You have to be very careful with the _Nightblidas,_ not of them are kind” Radok explains. “The oldest of you all is named _Konrad._ He is taller than you, and very muscular. He uses his body’s strength to rule. But, he does not have brain. That is what _you_ need to use to defeat him”.

Alexie nods again. She isn’t really fond of hearing Radok explaining how to beat the other nightbloods, but she knows deep inside that all of those intels will be useful some day.

“The smarter one is called _Klara._ She is fifteen years old, and the second daughter of Sandkru’s chief” Radok tells Alexie. “She has been here for five years now, and she knows a lot of things”.

Alexie wonders how she will be as good as the two Nightbloods Radok is describing. It sounds like she has a lot to learn; and the others seem to have learned everything already.

 “Then, there are the Floukru twins, _Viktor_ and _Sonja_. They do not have parents” Radok describes, “They learned to live by themselves. They always fight together; together, they are indestructible, but alone, they are as weak as babies”.

“Did you see them fight?” Alexie asks.

“Yes, I did” Radok nods. “Once.”

“How can they be strong together and weak individually?” Alexie frowns.

“Because they complete each other” Radok shrugs as if it was a normal thing. “When they are alone and the other is not here, half of them is missing”.

Alexie hums.

“Do you know what a soulmate is, _Aleksie?_ ” Radok asks.

“Yes.” Alexie answers; she knows, now. Her mother had explained to her.

“The twins work like soulmates” Radok explains. “Alone, they grief the lost of their other half. One body is longing the other one. That is why they are better fighting together”.

Alexie nods. She understands better now; and she can’t help but wonder about the pain of her mother, whose lover is dead and missing.

“How many nightbloods are we?” Alexie asks.

“Ten, with you” Radok answers. “Only two are younger than you. _Tekla_ with white hair, from Azgeda, arrived last year, and _Oskar kom Trishanakru._ But make no mistakes; they may be young, but they are as ferocious as if they were twenty years old”.

“So that makes Konrad, Klara, Viktor, Sonja, Tekla, Oskar and myself. Seven nightbloods. Who’re the three other ones?” Alexie asks. She has to admit she’s becoming very interested in hearing about the other Nightbloods.

“Anton, Malik and Astra. From _Trikru_ and _Podakru_ ” Radok says. Malik and Astra are around your age. You can make friends with them, they are to be trusted. I think they will make great companions”.

“Why not Anton?” Alexie asks as she almost falls; but Radok watches over her, and catches her arm to steady her before she hits the ground.

“Careful. You must look where you put your feet” Radok reprimands her.

Alexie mumbles something, and Radok doesn’t ask her to repeat it.

Once he’s sure Alexie will not fall again, he starts speaking again. “ _Anton_ is friend with _Konrad_. They are not good boys. They want control, power” Radok shakes his head in disapproval, “I do not believe they will make great leaders”.

“What if _I_ don’t make a good leader?” Alexie asks.

“You _will_ be one” Radok answers with certainty. “Like your mother”.

Alexie frowns, because she’s not so sure of it. She has still everything to learn, and she already feels like she won’t have enough time. She doesn’t want to disappoint anyone; and even Radok seems to see something in her she isn’t sure she really has.

“How do you know all this?” Alexie asks instead.

“When I heard that I was to be your protector, I learned everything there was to know” He shrugs. “We are here” Radok gestures in front of them, showing Alexie the ring of sand where the other teenagers are sat in circle, talking with an old man.

Alexie doesn’t move, first, taking everything in. But then, Radok lightly pushes her in the back, sending her forward.

“Go sit with them. Listen to the Flamekeeper” Radok instructs. “I will be watching you from over there” He points towards the trees surrounding them.

Alexie can see other grounders, either on the trees or on the floor, watching the Nightbloods with averted eyes.  

“Are they all the Nightbloods’ protectors?”

“Yes” Radok nods. “Go, now”.

Alexie does as instructed, and silently approaches the circle of students.

* * *

 

She’s a bit intimidated, because soon all of the Nightbloods’ attention is turned towards her, and the Flamekeeper stops talking. Alexie just wants to run away in the opposite direction. Of course, she knows she would be considered as a coward if she acts like one, and she can’t be seen as a coward. Wanheda’s daughter is brave, she tries to reassure herself.

But the Flamekeeper smiles at her, gesturing for her to sit next to the others.

“Welcome, _Aleksie_ ” he greets her. “We were waiting for you”.

Alexie nods and sits next to the girl she believes is Klara, the Sandkru Nightblood. It’s the oldest girl in the group, so she’s the one to match best the description Radok did. She settles on the ground, trying to ignore the curious look the Nightbloods throw at her. Only two look at her with hostility in their eyes; Alexie presumes they are Anton and Konrad. She spots the white haired Azgeda girl, a few meters from her, and the twins would look a lot alike, even if they are not from the same sex.

“Very well” the Flamekeeper says to regain their attention on his lesson, clapping in his hands, “We were just talking about being a good leader. What do you think a leader needs, to be a good a wise one?”

“Strength, of course” The tallest boy says.

“Right, Konrad” The Flamekeeper nods, but Alexie can see he’s not very pleased by his answer. Alexie understands now Radok’s words about the boy; he’s all in power, nothing in cleverness.

“To be willing to do whatever it takes?” The boy who must be Anton then says, but more as a question than an affirmation.

“But what if what it takes is something really bad?” A younger boy asks, a frown on his face.

Lexa listens to the children talking; she has to admit those are serious and deep conversations, and she’s actually glad to be part of it.

“There are two things to consider when you have to make a decision. First, there is the goal” The Flamekeeper explains. “The thing you want to achieve, the result you want to have. For a Commander, the goals mostly are protecting your people, keep the peace” He draws circles on the ground. “Then, there is the way you choose to reach the goal. The end doesn’t always justify the means” The Flamekeeper states. “The way you do it, matters too”. 

“So what does it means” Alexie asks, “If you reach the goal in a horrible way?”

“Of course it is what you want to know” Konrad mocks, “Your mother is the specialist at this game, isn’t she?”

Alexie turns her head so quick towards him she could have snapped her neck. But she doesn’t have time to say anything, as a long wood stick falls onto Konrad’s face, knocking him to the ground.

“Respect, Konrad! Have you forgotten your lessons?” The Flamekeeper growls, “You of all people should know a child is not responsible for his parents’ actions”.

Konrad massages his cheek where it took the blow, and was ready to speak, but one look from the Flamekeeper is enough for him to close his mouth.

“You’re dismissed for today, Konrad. Go back to the dorm, and think about your words” The Flamekeeper orders him.

Konrad gets up, mumbling something the Flamekeeper chooses to ignore. Alexie sees a grounder getting up, a few meters away, and meeting with Konrad once he is out of the sand ring.

“Listen to me very carefully, each of you” the Flamekeeper starts again. “You are being taught together so you can help each other in the future. So the Commander who will rise after Bonker will have loyal and devoted counsellors, who can be trusted. You are to be respectful of each other, even in adversity. Because even if you were all enemies, you have to respect the person who’s fighting against you. Is it clear?”

They nods, but Tekla, the Azgeda young Nightblood, speaks.

“If they are enemies, why do we have to respect them?” She asks, a bit confused.

“It’s a very good question” The Flamekeeper smiles. He’s happy to see the children are analysing his words, and that they try to make a sense of it. “Everyone has a reason to fight, and you have to respect that. You have to believe that there are no bad guys; each side has something to lose, and something to win off the fight. When the Mountain attacked the clans to capture grounders and turn them into reapers, it was a horrible thing, and we lost hundreds of friends. But if you had been in their shoes, and if you were told that it was the price to pay for your families to survive, would you have not done the same? And in fact, when we destroyed the Mountain and killed everyone inside, is it not the same thing we did? Kill the enemy so _we_ could survive?”

“Except we didn’t slaughtered the Mountain” One of the twins protests, “ _Wanheda_ did”.

“Yes” The Flamekeeper agrees, and Alexie is hoping they don’t she’s Wanheda’s daughter but is very curious about what they’re saying.

“Wanheda slaughtered the Mountain to save Skaikru who were trapped inside it” He explains, “Killing a clan to save hers. But, by doing so, she also saved all of the Coalition’s Krus. That is why we have Skaikru in our coalition now. Because they saved us, in the past.”

The children nod.

“This is the law of nature; kill or be killed” The Flamekeeper sighs. “But a horrible act will always be a horrible act, no matter how pure your intentions may be. Understood?”

“Yes, teacher!” They all answer, expect Alexie who isn’t aware of all the formalities yet. The Flamekeeper gestures at them to get going, and they get up to meet with their respective protectors.

Alexie gets up too, but is stopped by a hand on her shoulder.

“If you reach your goal in a terrible way, it will haunt you forever” The Flamekeeper says, and Alexie understands he is answering her previous question. “But remember; there is always, _always_ a choice to make. A decision to take”.

He smiles to her, and releases her shoulder before walking away.

* * *

 

Alexie stays still for a few seconds, thinking about what the Flamekeeper just said. She wonders if her mother is haunted by the choices she made. Deep down, she knows Clarke is. Then, she spots Radok waiting for her, outside of the sand ring. She wonders why he doesn’t come closer to her.

She walks towards where he is patiently waiting for her.

“What did _Konrad_ say?” Radok immediately asks, and Alexie can see he sees the boy as a threat for her.

“Nothing” Alexie waves off. But Radok doesn’t move, and waits for her to tell him.

“Fine” Alexie huffs, “We were talking about reaching goals in horrible ways” She explains to her protector, “And he said that my mother was a specialist”.

Radok clenches his teeth together, and Alexie fears he’s going to go find the boy and hit him until he can’t get up.

“ _Konrad_ is stupid boy” Radok growls. “He knows nothing about Wanheda”.

Alexie’s eyes brows rose, because he seems to know a lot about _her_ mother.

“What do _you_ know about her?” Alexie curiously asks as they walk back towards Polis.

“Wanheda has a big heart” Radok says. “But because of it, she wants to save everyone; except everyone cannot be saved. That is her burden. _Konrad_ knows nothing about the choices she made.” Radok says in a tone that implies he won’t talk more about it today.

Alexie doesn’t push, even though she is super curious about all the secrets Radok’s words seem to hold.

“The Flamekeeper said Konrad of all people should know a child isn’t responsible for his parents’ actions. Who were Konrad parents?” Alexie asks instead.

She sees Konrad tenses, and she knows he’s going to lie to her. “I do not know, _Aleksie”._

“Yes, you do” Alexie hums, “But it’s ok. I’ll find out eventually”.

Radok nods with a very discreet smile. He’s beginning to like the girl; she’s very smart for her age. It shouldn’t surprise him, though, as she’s Wanheda’s daughter. They reach the market’s streets, and Alexie is in awe of the activity there is. It looks like ants; people moving everywhere, carrying stuff around, talking, gesturing as they speak.

Alexie finds herself thinking that maybe being in Polis won’t be that bad. She understands now, when her mother said that Polis was different. It’s _alive,_ and Alexie is revealing herself in it.

* * *

 

But suddenly, Alexie is pushed against a wall, Radok’s body against hers as he catches someone by the arm.

“Who are you, and what do you want to _Aleksie kom Skaikru?”_ he asks with venom in his voice to the boy he holds by the arm, his feet not even touching the ground.

“Ouch! Lexie, do something!” The boy protests and Alexie’s eyes widen. She knows this voice.  She slides from behind her protector, and is very surprised when she sees Link, hanging by the arm in the air, with a scary Radok scanning him.

“Stop! Radok, put him down! He’s my cousin!” Alexie says for Radok to release his grip on the poor boy.

Radok’s head turns towards Alexie. “Your cousin?”

“Yes!” Alexie nods, “He’s Octavia’s son, Wanheda’s friend!”

Radok’s eyes widen in understanding. Slowly, he puts the boy down. “Your father was _Trikru_ ” He states.

Alexie is as stunned as Link. “Yes, he was” Link says.

Radok nods back, finally releasing the boy. “I’m sorry if I hurt you” Radok apologise. “Your father was a good man”.

Alexie and Link exchange a confused look; does it mean Radok knew Lincoln?

But they don’t have time to ask more questions, as Clarke and Octavia are walking towards them. Alexie is relieved when she sees that her mother seems well; tired, but well. As they walk, Alexie can see their shoulders bumping against each other, and the girl is glad her mother and Octavia are such good friends.

“Hey there, Lexie” Clarke greets her with a smile, “How did it go?”

“Fine” Alexie smiles back. Her mother seems to be in a good mood, so she’s happy too. She notices though, that Octavia is looking at Radok with... Sadness in her eyes?

Clarke notices Link seems to be a bit scared of Radok, so she raises an eye brow at him. “Radok, what did you do to the poor boy?”

“He sneaked up on us, and I reacted” Radok confesses, scratching his head, “I thought it was a threat to Alexie. I’m sorry I didn’t recognise him”.

Clarke nods. “It’s ok, Radok. You were doing your job”.

He nods back as he exchange a heavy look with Octavia. Alexie wonders what secret conversation the three adults are having, right now. She sees Clarke’s discretely squeezing Octavia’s hand as the Brunette’s eyes are locked into Radok’s.

Finally, Radok extends his arm towards Octavia. “It was nice seeing you, _Okteivia_ ” He says in an unusual calm and gentle voice. 

Octavia shook his forearm, nodding to him.

“You can go, Radok” Clarke says, “Come pick up Alexie to the tower in an hour for her afternoon class”.

“Yes, Wanheda” He bows, and walks away.

Alexie sees her mother throw a last look towards Octavia, probably making sure she was ok for whatever reason, before clapping in her hands.”So, who wants a tour of Polis?” she happily says, laughing when Link and Alexie shouts with excitement.

They start walking in the streets, Clarke and Octavia saying hello to people who recognise them, and Alexie takes the opportunity to slide her hand into her mother’s. Clarke lowers her eyes on her, silently asking her if’s she ok.

“Mom?” Alexie asks instead.

“Yeah?”

“I think Polis won’t be so terrible, after all” Alexie confesses, smiling a bit to her mother.

Clarke answers with a small smile growing on her lips, too. Maybe Alexie is right. Maybe being in Polis won’t be that bad. Maybe that’s what they need to feel _alive_ again.

 


	5. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter for Children of the Commander! I know it's a fanfiction quite different from the others you can find on the 100 universe, so don't be shy and tell me what you think of it! ;)

** Chapter 5 : Questions **

_You can listen to Home From Home by Roo Panes! And go check the artist, his songs are great_ _J_

 

 

It’s been a week since they arrived in Polis. Alexie learned Octavia and his cousin were to live here too, for the time where Clarke would stay in the Capital. Alexie had not asked questions, but she knew it was probably because Clarke and Octavia weren’t doing great without the other.

During the week, Alexie had learned quite a few interesting things; and to catch up with the others, she was training super hard with Radok, every time she could.

Because Radok knew a lot about everything, and because Alexie was a very curious girl, they had agreed that every time that Alexie would do something right, or have the right answer to Radok’s questions, Alexie would have permission to ask a question to Radok in return. And questions, Alexie had thousands of them in her head; how had been Polis and the Coalition under Lexa’s reign, how the old conclaves were, why nightbloods existed, why grounders were able to survive on the ground while others had to go to space... Radok would not answer all of the questions, though. For some of them, he would tell Alexie she’s not old enough, or wise enough. Alexie never insisted; she trusted Radok enough to believe he had good reasons not to answer some of the questions.

Today is no different; Alexie is out of bed before the other nightbloods, and is waiting for Radok to start today’s lesson, at the edge of the woods, outside Polis’ fences. Radok chose this place because it’s close to the city, he explained, in case of emergencies, but also because it’s way calmer than if they were _into_ the city.

Radok hands a wood sword to Alexie; a similar one to those she trains with, with the nightbloods. Alexie takes it, putting herself in position, ready for combat. Radok lifts his own wood sword, and the both of them begin to dance with each other, moving their arms in the air, trying to hit the other.

“Be stronger, _Aleksie”_ Radok reprimands her as he lightly hit her in the shoulder, “You can do better!”

Alexie grits her teeth together, but doesn’t let her emotions visible to Radok; a warrior must have a blank face when you’re fighting.

They continue to charge at each other, until Radok decides it’s time for a question.

“What is your question, _Aleksie?”_ Radok asks, turning himself to avoid Alexie’s sword.

“Why won’t you enter the sand circle where Nightbloods train?” the girl asks back, puffing with the effort as she’s trying to avoid every blow Radok throws at her.

“Because it is where the _Nightblidas_ train” Radok explains, repeating Alexie’s words. He turns his sword to protect himself, “It is sacred; only a _nightblida_ or the Flamekeeper can touch it. If a grounder put his feet on the sacred ground, he will be dead by morning”.

Alexie nods, accepting Radok’s explanation. Sweat is slowly falling alongside her cheek as she feels herself losing strength.

“Focus, _Aleksie_!” Radok growls, “Ignore the tiredness! A warrior is never tired!”

Alexie grits her teeth once more, charging at Radok with her energy left, hoping to hit him. But Radok is a true warrior, and knock his sword into Alexie’s, making it fly away. Then, he quickly throws his foot into her leg, unbalancing her and sending her nose first into the dirt.

“You have to stay clear-headed” Radok says, holding his hand to help her up, “When you fight, you have to let your body guide you, but only with the movements. The rest must come from _here_ ” He says, pocking Alexie’s head. “You cannot listen to your body when you are hurting from effort and wounds. If you are not dead, you can still fight. You cannot give up, understood? If you give up, you lose the fight”.

Alexie nods and groans when he lifts her up from the ground. She’s beginning to have bruises all over her body, and she wonders which bone or muscle she has not maltreated yet.

“Who taught you how to fight?” Alexie asks, picking her sword up. She knows grounder warriors do not have teachers, like the nightbloods; they often learn from a father, or a friend.

“My older brother did” Radok says, back in combat position, his sword raised in front of his face. “He was a great warrior”.

“I’m sorry” Alexie answers, hitting his sword with her own and kneeling to avoid the foot he threw at her. She understood Radok’s brother is dead, as he spoke of him in past tense.

“People die every day” Radok nods, “Life is like this. Unfair but worth it”.

Alexie nods back to her protector, and slides on the ground to hit Radok’s leg with her own. She fails, because Radok sees her coming, and he moves his foot away, lowering the sword on the girl who moves away at the last second, managing to avoid her fake death only by a second.

“ _Aleksie,_ use your body as a weapon! You are small, use that to be quick!” Radok instructs as he waves his sword in the air, answering Alexie’s blows.

But Alexie is only twelve, and she’s just beginning to train that hard; it’s a lot for her body to take, and soon she’s out of breath. That’s the moment Radok chooses to grab her arm and send her to the ground as Alexie yelps with surprise.

Alexie didn’t see it coming, so she takes a few seconds to get back up. When she does, she has a frown on her face, looking darkly at Radok.

“You cheated” She says, “You grabbed my arm!”

Radok shrugs. “A battle is a battle. You can use everything to your advantage” He answers, picking up Alexie’s sword.

“But it’s not fair!” Alexie protests, throwing a little rock at him, out of frustration of having spent her entire week her ass on the ground.

Radok intercepts the rock in the air and throws it back at her, hitting Alexie’s shoulder.  “There is no fairness in dying. You better forget about values, when you have an enemy in front of you. Because they will _not_ consider honour to beat you. They will beat you, by any way.”

Alexie huffs.

“Lesson is over” Radok announces, “You have to meet with the _Nightblidas_ ”.  

Alexie follows him to the sand area. She’s not familiar with every place yet, so she’s glad there’s Radok to guide her.

“Who was your brother?” Alexie asks.

“I will not tell you his name” Radok answers, looking around them for any threats.

“Can you tell me which clan he was from? Where are _you_ from, anyways?” Alexie wonders, as much for herself as for him. She knows he doesn’t always answer her questions, but she still voices them anyways. She wants to ask _why_ he won’t tell her his brother’s name though, but she doesn’t.

“My brother was _Trikru_. Like me” Radok surprisingly answers.

Alexie nods.

“Lexa, the previous Commander, was Trikru, too” Alexie states.

“Lexa is _all_ the _Krus_ ” Radok says.

“Did you know her?”

“Yes, but only by name. I was too young” Radok answers. “My brother did”.

“Mom knew her” Alexie confesses.

“ _Wanheda_ is Lexa’s soulmate” he nods. “No one knows _Heda_ better than _Wanheda_ ”.

“You talk about Lexa in present” Alexie notices. “Why?”

“Another question for another day” Radok answers as they arrive at the sand circle.

Alexie is a bit frustrated by Radok’s lack of answers, but she nods anyways and goes to sit next to the other nightbloods.

* * *

 

In Polis’ tower, Octavia, Roan, Bonker and Clarke are reunited in the meeting room, serious looks on their faces. They all are worried about Alexie’s safety into Polis; rumors are fast, and people are whispering in the Capital City.

“They believe she is Lexa’s daughter or a kind of reincarnation, a legit piece of her” Roan says.

“We knew that already” Clarke sighs. “I want to know what the risks are, for her to be in Polis”.  

“Yeah, what could people eventually want from her?” Octavia asks.

“Her power” Bonker speaks. “If they truly believe she is the product of _Heda_ and _Wanheda’s_ love, she is seen as very powerful. Or, they could want to capture her, to pressure me. Or Clarke”.

Clarke frowns. “Pressure you? What for?”

Bonker offers a sad smile to the Blonde. “We are at peace, Clarke, but there’re still tensions among some clans.”

“What?” Octavia and Clarke ask at the same time. They didn’t know this.

“Some that fear the new ways” Bonker answers. “Grounders who want the conclave to be open not only to the _Nightblidas_ , but also to their strongest sons and daughters”.

“But only a nightblida can take the flame without risks” Roan frowns. He doesn’t know much about Skaikru tech, but the Flame tech, that he knows.

“Yes” Bonker nods, “ _I_ know that, because I have seen the tech. But _they_ are not so sure anymore”.

Clarke sighs, and takes a seat to think better. Roan lightly squeezes her shoulder; they have a weird friendship, but they supported each other since the beginning, and still today.

Roan removes his hand, and watches as Clarke seems exhausted. He is truly sad for her friend; she, who has done so much for their people. The only one, after Lexa, who fought for all of them and not for one clan.

“Don’t forget she was born _Azgeda_ , and then grew up with Skaikru” Roan sighs too. “People might hold a grudge against her for that”.

“Yeah, not like she was associated with the two clans who caused problems in the past” Octavia huffs, remembering the time where Azgeda was wild and wanted war, and when Skaikru was also out of line.

Roan throws a look at Clarke, who looks tired. He knows how Clarke cares for the girl as if she was her biological child.

Roan is one of the few people who really understood Clarke and Lexa’s relationship, one of the few to have _seen_ them be together, working together. He understands Clarke’s pain, and even after all this time, he knows she won’t forget her. Their bond was _special_ , and Roan had promised himself to watch over the Blonde girl who had succeeded in opening the Commander’s heart. He owed that to Lexa.

Octavia sits next to Clarke.

“Ok, so what are the options?” The Brunette asks.

“We could do a public statement” Bonker suggests, “Inform the people that only a _Nightblida_ can take the Flame thanks to the nightblood he or she has”.

“It won’t be enough” Roan shakes his head, “They wouldn’t understand”.

“So we show them!” Octavia says, “We can send Skaikru technicians to the clans, to explain how nightblood works. How they heal faster, and stuff”.

Bonker and Clarke seem to think about it for a few seconds.

“Clarke. What do you say?” Bonker asks, and Roan must suppress a smile threatening to appear on his lips. It is quite funny how Bonker, the Commander of the thirteen clans, needs Clarke’s approval. It reminds him a bit of Lexa; and maybe she’s the one guiding Bonker in his choices, through the Flame. Roan has to admit that he, too, often seeks advices from Clarke.

“It could be a solution” Clarke nods, “But we don’t have enough technicians and engineers to send them away. We could try the other way around, though; welcoming grounders to teach them about our technology. So they could go back in their clans and talk about what they have seen”.

Roan agrees with Clarke’s solution, and so does Octavia. Finally, Bonker agrees too. He ultimately always agrees with Clarke, anyways. After all, she’s the one who found him, trained him and helped him fit into the Commander’s shoes.

“Alright, so I’ll send words to the clans, for them to send people to Arcadia” Bonker says. “You may want to warn Raven of the additional work she’ll have on her arms in a few days”.

“She’ll be thrilled to hear that” Octavia says with playful sarcasm, “Shotgun on not breaking the news to her!” she announces, making Clarke and Roan chuckle in the process.

* * *

 

Alexie is ears wide open as the Flamekeeper is talking to them. Today’s lesson is about honour and values; it’s funny because it’s precisely what Radok and Alexie talked about this morning.

“What do you think is the greatest value of all?” The Flamekeeper asks.

The children all think for a couple of minutes. Then, Viktor is the first one to talk.

“Family. Family is the strongest value” He says, sure of himself.

Alexie watches as a smile rise on the Flamekeeper lips.

“Family can be a strong value, yes” The Flamekeeper answers, “But for a Commander, it’s not the strongest. Why?”

Viktor frowns, as the others search their brains to find the answer. Alexie knows the answer. Clarke had talked to her about it. It’s the reason why Lexa and her mom didn’t get to be together in the first place.

“Because the Commander does not have a family” Alexie speaks at loud. “Well, he has, but the _people_ are his family. He has a lot of responsibilities, and his people come first; before everything else”.

“This is horrible!” Oskar from Trishanakru explains, his young spirit finding the idea very sad and depressing.

“Although what Alexie said was true a few years ago, things have changed a bit” the Flamekeeper explains. “Now, Commanders are not that alone anymore. But of course, being a leader for whatever clan is a hard responsibility, and most of the times, the leader has to sacrifice things, for his people. That is the burden of the Commander.”

The children nod to the Flamekeeper as he claps his hands, telling them that the lesson is over and will be continued on the afternoon.

As Alexie gets up, she’s hit by someone on the shoulder, which causes her to yelp in surprise. She turns around, and finds Konrad looking at her with a smirk on his face.

“Of course you knew the answer” he says with venom in his voice, “Lexa even had to sacrifice her own life for your _Skaikru_ mother”.

Alexie grits her teeth together, because she’s beginning to be fed up of Konrad and Anton’s bullying. It’s only been a week, and she doesn’t know how many days she can last until she throws herself at them to make them shut up.

“And that’s why you won’t make a good Commander” Anton adds, an evil smile on his face, “Because when you’re in trouble, you’ll go running to _mama_ ” he accentuates his voice, mocking her.

Alexie is ready to punch him in the face, but she sees Radok looking at her with such deep eyes she knows it’s not the right thing to do. Instead, she steadies herself to look taller, and look at him right in the eyes.

“At least, everyone knows my mother’s name” Alexie says, and quickly walks away, leaving the two boys fuming on the sand.

* * *

 

Radok is waiting for her as close to the sand area as he can be, and he is quick to put his arm around her shoulder when she’s at his level.

“What did they say to you? Did they hurt you? Are you going to bruise?” He asks, trying to lift Alexie’s sleeve to see the spot where Konrad had lightly punched her.

“I’m ok, Radok” Alexie huffs, “I just wish I could punch back”.

“You _can_ punch back” He answers, “But with words instead of your fists. You have to be smarter”.

Alexie nods, but without much conviction. She still has a few questions, though. It’s her favourite time of the day; where she walks for fifteen minutes by Radok’s side to join the city. Every day, he chooses a different path, and Alexie always feels like going in a great adventure in the wildness surrounding Polis.

“Why do Radok and Anton try to look so superior to all of us?” Alexie wonders.

“Because they are scared” Radok shrugs as if it was obvious.

“Scared? I don’t think they’re scared” Alexie snorts.

“But they _are_ ” Radok insists. “They did not have great parents; so the only thing they want is recognition. And for them, there is only one way; to become commander.”

“But they can’t both be commander” Alexie contests.

“That is true. But they can be Commander, and second to the Commander; together, they are trying to be the best” Radok adds.

“Where are they from?” Alexie asks.

“Anton is from the lake people” Radok says, and Alexie feels there’s more to the story; but as always, she doesn’t push her protector.

“He has been sick for the first year of his life, and would have died if he had not been a _nightblida_. He used to have two older brothers and an older sister” Radok explains as he watches Alexie, making sure she doesn’t trip on something and hurt herself. “But his brothers died trying to help people out of a fire” Radok sighs, “And the sister disappeared, one day. No one knows where she is, or if someone took her”.

Alexie can’t help but feel sorry for Anton. And maybe she’s beginning to understand why he can act that cruel to someone, and why he seems to follow Konrad wherever the boy goes.

“He has gone through a lot” Radok concludes, “And it is not easy to keep living a normal life after that”.

“Just because he has gone through stuff doesn’t give him the right to destroy other people’s life in return” Alexie protests. She understands what Anton could feel, but she disapproves of him being mean to people because of his history.

“That is why you will make a better Commander than him” Radok smiles.

Alexie offers him a tiny smile back, with a blush on her cheeks; she is not used to be complimented, and even if Clarke offers some compliments sometimes, they are not the same.

“What about Konrad?” Alexie asks, “What is his story?”

“That is not my place to tell” Radok answers. “If you want to know, you will have to find the answer yourself”.

“That’s not cool” Alexie pouts.

“What is _cool_?” Radok frowns in return, not understanding the words. It makes Alexie huff, and she eventually drops the thing. If she would have looked at him, Alexie would have seen the satisfied smile on Radok’s lips.


	6. Faint Whispers Of Old Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 is there! ;) I know I take time updating, but I don't want to rush it and write something only because I will forced to.   
> For me, this story is kind of a healing-purpose one, so it takes as long as it takes, but keep up with me and you'll be rewarded ;)

** Chapter 6 : Faint Whispers Of Old Times **

_You can listen to “Today has been ok” by Sleeping at last, it fits ;)_

 

It’s been a month since they arrived in the Capital, and everything has gone smoothly so far.

Inside Polis’ tower, Clarke is back on tenth floor again; but this time, she is going to Lexa’s room. Octavia is not by her side; although she did ask if Clarke needed her to come with her.

She pushes the door open, just enough to slide into the room without making too much noise. She doesn’t want people noticing her; not because she doesn’t want to look like someone going somewhere forbidden, but because she doesn’t need people to gossip about it. Everyone knows parts of the story of Clarke and Lexa, but it is always like they know more about myths and legends than about the truth.

She closes the door behind her, taking a few deep breaths. She doesn’t want to break down; she’s broken down enough times already, and she wants to be strong. Lexa would have wanted her to be strong. Well, at least it’s what she thinks Lexa would have wanted. It’s not like she was here, anyways.

Clarke scoffs herself for having thoughts like this. She doesn’t want to cry; still she already has some tears gathering in her eyes.

She sits on the floor, on the carpet at the foot of the bed she has seen Lexa meditate various time on. It was Lexa’s chamber when she was Commander; but Bonker refused to sleep in it, out of respect for Lexa – and for Clarke, too –. Clarke purposely avoids looking at the bed; it would bring back too many painful memories about the moment she shared on the very same bed with Lexa, eight years ago.

Clarke crosses her legs, and stretches to have her back in the right position; the one she remembers Lexa being in. She closes her eyes, breathing through her nose.

She doesn’t really know why she does this; it’s not like she believes in those kinds of things. But somehow, it’s a thing Lexa used to do; and it’s one of the only ways Clarke has to feel close to Lexa again.

Clarke focuses, and slowly, she finds herself noticing tiny sounds; she notices how her ears hear better, how her nose smells more perfumes. How the floor under her legs vibrates every time a door closes, or when someone uses the elevator. She feels the light wind caressing her skin, flowing through her blonde hair braided in a very grounder-style. The sun on her face, slowly and gently warming her cheeks.

And that’s when she hears it. No more than a faint whisper, a murmur of the wind.

_Clarke._

Clarke’s eyes shot open, as she looks frantically around the room. She knows that voice. But she sees nothing; and she fears it was all a dream. She sighs, and focuses once more on her breathing. Again, she hears the sound of the environment surrounding her.

_Clarke._

The Blonde doesn’t dare open her eyes this time. She doesn’t move, and tries to stay as focused as she can.

_Clarke. Breathe, Clarke._

Clarke is overwhelmed. She knows that voice, she recognises it. A lonely tear falls alongside her cheek. It’s a voice she never thought she would hear again.

And then, she sees it. She sees _her_. It’s a shadow, first, which slowly comes towards her; there is this light, surrounding it, and it’s so unreal Clarke cannot believe it. And it strikes her. The green vibrant eyes, the auburn long loose curls. The teenage face, as well as the adult burdened one.

“Lexa...?” Clarke whispers. She’s afraid it’s all going to go away as soon as she’ll talk. But it doesn’t fade, and she sees Lexa smiling back at her with that half-smile only reserved for her.

_You are so strong, Clarke. You’ll find me soon._

“Where, Lexa?” Clarke whimpers as she feels Lexa leaving, “Where?”

_Stay strong. Ai hodnes._

And then it vanishes.

* * *

 

Clarke wakes up with a start, panting, lying on the floor. Then, she remembers the visions, and tears silently fall down her face. Was it all a dream? Clarke is heart-broken again, as she buries her face in her hands, silently crying. She misses Lexa so much. It’s been eight years, and it’s still so, _so_ painful in her chest.

But then, there’s a light knock on the door, and it surprises Clarke because no one knows where she is, except for Octavia. She quickly regains her composure, and wipes her cheeks before opening the door.

She’s surprised when she sees who is behind it. Radok, her daughter’s protector.

“Radok?” Clarke asks, “Aren’t you supposed to watch over Alexie?”

“Yes I am” He answers. “But she is with _Okteivia_ and _Link”._

Clarke nods, although she doesn’t understand very well what his purpose is. So she stares at him, waiting for him to talk.

“You knew my brother” He finally says, although it sounds more like a question, and Clarke must admit his accent is funny.

Clarke nods; she wasn’t sure when she first saw Radok, but she asked Bonker about it. She now knows for sure who Radok is.

“Some say he fought by your side” Radok adds.

“He fought by _Octavia’s_ side” Clarke contests, “But I was lucky enough to have Octavia on the same side as me” She offers a tiny smile, and it makes Radok smile too.

Clarke closes Lexa’s room’s door, and mentions for Radok to follow her into the corridors. Clarke doesn’t ask why he went to fetch her; maybe Bonker’s orders.

“Are all the legends true, _Wanheda_?” Radok asks. Clarke usually doesn’t like people calling her that, but with time, she had gotten used to it; and in Radok’s mouth, it sounds more like a respect thing than anything else.

“It depends on the legend” Clarke shrugs. She isn’t even sure she heard them all, anyways.

“I knew _Leksa_ , when we were children” Radok then confesses, “ _Linkoln_ , _Kostia_ and she used to play together, before Lexa was called to lead our people”.

Clarke tenses at hearing her lover’s name from his mouth, but relaxes when she understands he is only offering her a bit of comfort.

“ _Kostia_ is not born _Trikru_ , but was the daughter of a _Sandkru_ trader, who would come by our village from time to time for business” Radok explains. “The three of them were inseparables” He smiles. “Always fighting. I was too little to join them, but I liked watching them fight. _Leksa_ was the strongest of them”.

Clarke chuckles a bit, because _of course_ Lexa would be the strongest one. She doesn’t say anything though, and try to memorise everything Radok is telling her. Lexa and she never talked about their childhoods; they never had the chance. So it’s a real opportunity for Clarke, to learn about Lexa’s story; a way to feel closer to her.

“I know your heart bleed for her” Radok says with a gentle voice.

Clarke grits her teeth; not because she’s angry, but because it always hurts that much and she fears she’s going to cry again.

“I believe the legends and the tales we tell children are true, _Wanheda”_ He says. “My brother always told me that if a spirit was strong enough, he would find its way back to its soulmate, even after death.”

Clarke waits for what’s coming, holding her breath.

“And if Lexa’s spirit is at least half as strong as yours” Radok concludes with assurance, “She will find her way back to you”.

Clarke weakly nods, touched by his words. She wants to believe him, she really does; she want it to be true so badly. He gently smiles back to her, as he opens the door of the room where Octavia, Alexie and Link are into.

“Radok?” Clarke asks, before he closes the door to give the family some privacy.

“Yes, _Wanheda?”_

“Lincoln was a good man” Clarke offers him. “And you certainly got his genes. I know he would be proud of you”.

Radok smiles, and Clarke can see it’s a genuine one; a smile to thank her. Recognition is sometimes all that people ask for; Clarke knows that.

He closes the door, and Octavia slowly walks to Clarke, as Alexie and Link are focused on biting at each other’s heads like always. That much hasn’t changed, and Clarke is glad some things won’t ever do.  

“Hey, O” Clarke murmurs as Octavia comes near her, sliding an arm around the girl’s waist. The Brunette leans on the Blonde’s shoulder, hiding her face in it, searching for comfort only Clarke can give her.

“He sounds like _him”_ Octavia whispers, and Clarke can understand what it’s doing to her. She can feel Octavia shaking against her body; she knows she won’t cry, though. Octavia seems to get better faster than Clarke. Maybe she’s stronger, too. Clarke never doubted Octavia was stronger than her, anyways.

“Maybe you two could talk” Clarke suggests. “He _knows_ things” Clarke says, remembering her own conversation with Radok. “And he surely has a lot of embarrassing stories about his older brother”.

Octavia chuckles in Clarke’s neck. “”Maybe I will talk to him”.

“I know _he_ want to, at least. I think he’s just waiting until you’re ready” Clarke confesses.

“I know. He’s the only other living relatives of Link except for Bellamy and I, after all” the Brunette nods. Clarke offers a tiny comforting smile. Radok being Lincoln’s brother, it makes him the boy’s uncle; family members are rare for Skaikru people – even if new families are created – and it’s a treasure Octavia doesn’t want her son to miss.

“Whenever you’re ready” Clarke says again.

They go back to their children, and watch them throw jokes at each other. Clarke doesn’t mention to Octavia what she saw and heard in her dream, in Lexa’s room. For now, she considers it like a gift from Lexa, only for her to keep.

She smiles as Alexie is coming towards her, and the girl embraces her mother.

“Hey Lexie” Clarke smiles down at her daughter, “How are you? Are the lessons you’re learning interesting?”

“Yeah” Alexie hums, “It’s cool. Radok’s cool, too”

“I bet he is” Clarke says, hugging her girl.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“How are _you_?” Alexie asks, and it takes Clarke by surprise.

Clarke thinks of telling her daughter she’s alright; but judging by the look on her daughter’s face, she knows Alexie wants a sincere answer and will see if she lies.

“I am... Managing” Clarke offers. “But I’ll be ok”.

Alexie nods, accepting her mother’s words. She old enough to know when her mother is sad, or hurting, and she wants to ask more about it, but also knows she’s too young to fully understand everything. She is only twelve, after all.

And Alexie knows Octavia is there. Her aunt can take care of her Mom until Alexie is old and wise enough to do it herself.


	7. They Will Meet Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! I know this story is progressing very slowly, but I want to make them justice. :)

** Chapter 7 : They Will Meet Again **

_Song : Stay by Gabrielle Aplin_

 

 

It’s been a full two months since they left Arcadia, and Alexie is only starting to feel comfortable in Polis. She’s glad there’s Radok by her side, looking after her. Today is no different than others; she’s walking towards the sand arena where the Flamekeeper will teach them another lesson. She knows the way by heart, now; Radok made her took different paths in the last two months, and now she knows the forest better than anyone. Well, maybe Radok knows it best.

Today she promised her mother she would do her best not to engage with Anton and his minions. Last week, they had kind of a fight, which leads them all to Bonker, and Clarke didn’t take it very well.

Alexie is quiet, this morning. She has a lot on her mind; her mother, first. She seems distant; not necessarily in a bad way, but she often look like she’s not really _there,_ and it’s starting to worry Alexie a bit. She knows her mother is the half-goddess Wanheda, but to Alexie she’s also only a woman whose heart was broken by the death of her soulmate not so long ago. Alexie wasn’t seeing it in Arcadia, or maybe it was because she was too young, but she sees it now. Her mother seems so far away Alexie even considers telling Clarke to go back to Arcadia; she knows what Polis is doing to her mother, and she doesn’t want to be the only reason Clarke stays in Polis. Alexie feels fine and safe now, thanks to Radok and some of the Nightbloods she’s friend with; she doesn’t necessarily needs her mother in the city, too. None of the other Nightbloods have their parents here anyways.

Radok lightly hit her on the shoulder to gain her attention.

“What is on your mind, _Aleksie_?” He asks; but Alexie can hear she isn’t forced to answer if she doesn’t want to.

“My mom” The girl sighs. “She tells me she’s fine, but, I don’t know, she seems... Off?”

“Off?” Radok repeats, not understanding.

“She seems distant” Alexie changes her words, “Not mentally here”.

“Oh” Radok hums. He also finds Clarke distant; but he won’t explain why to Alexie.

“Oh? What is that supposed to mean?” Alexie huffs at her protector’s answer.

Radok escapes a smile. He is happy he is this little girl’s protector. When he looks at the other Nightbloods, he couldn’t have chosen better; she’s the most curious, selfless, caring and strong of them all, and he is very proud of all the progress she’s making.

He puts an arm around her shoulders to calm her down, and because that’s what he does when he has something important to tell her. She knows that too, so she’s quiet in a matter of seconds, ready to listen to whatever he says.

“Your mother is a strong woman” Radok begins, “Maybe the strongest I ever met. But, she is also human. And humans have weaknesses”.

“My mother does not have any weaknesses” Alexie protests, even though she knows she’s not being logical.

“But she does” Radok continues. “And _Leksa_ was her biggest weakness...”.

“Lexa was NOT her weakness” Alexie protests again, but this time with more strength because she knows she’s right, “Lexa was her _strength_!”

Radok smiles. “Exactly. But now that she is gone, your mother’s heart is bleeding, and calling for _Leksa’_ s soul to come back”.

“What are you saying?” Alexie asks, a brow raised.

“I am saying that for two souls to reunite with each other, it takes time. And during this time, _Wanheda_ ’s heart is crying in pain, and is trying its best not to suffer this pain. That is why she is distant sometimes. Because sometimes, the cries of her heart are all she hears” Radok explains.

“That’s awful” Alexie murmurs, her lower lip shaking with sadness.

“But it will be over soon” Radok says. “They will find their way back to each other”.

Alexie nods, and stays quiet to think over Radok’s words.

“Wait” Alexie says, “You said _soon_. Soon how? In this life? In a century?”

“They will be together again” Radok states. “Soon.”

“So you believe that when someone dies, he does not stay dead forever” Alexie states more than asks. She doesn’t say anything about Radok not answering her previous question; she’s used to it by now, and she knows he wouldn’t say anything if he didn’t want to.

It’s Radok’s turn to throw a confused look at her. “Why would one stay dead? There is nothing interesting with being dead”.

“Well, that’s one way to see it” Alexie chuckles almost for herself, amused with Radok’s answer.

“I believe that strong spirits, pure spirits that belonged together, find their way back to each other, in their first life together or in one to come” Radok explains. “But _Wanheda_ and _Leksa_ do not have strong spirits. It is beyond that. They are calling each other, and they will find each other.”

“How do you know all this?” Alexie asks. It the question she wants him most to answer for the last month, and she tries it every day.

He smiles, because he too knows she’s asking this same question every morning. “I know how to listen”.

“Teach me” Alexie says, determined.

“Teach you what?” Radok asks, pretending he doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

“Teach me how to listen” Alexie repeats, trying to follow Radok’s big steps.

Radok pretends to think about it for a while. “No”.

“No?” Alexie protests, “Why?!”

“Because you do not know what you want to listen to” Radok states, knowing he is starting to piss her off.

“I do!” Alexie retorts immediately, but then doesn’t look so sure of herself. Radok laughs at the expression on her face.

“It is ok, Aleksie” He says with kindness, “You will understand, one day”.

They are in front of the sand arena, and Alexie huffs, not throwing him a last glance, and walks towards the other nightbloods.

Radok smiles, amused by the little girl.

 

 

Bonker, Octavia, Roan and Clarke are in the tower’s meeting room, again. Today they have to deal with some merchants from the south, who announced they’ll come twice as many as they should. Bonker doesn’t like it; first of all, it means fifty supplementary people to feed, and with the winter coming, he doesn’t know if he’ll have enough food to feed Polis. Then, he doesn’t know if it’s because it’s been quiet and people have now big families, or if it’s for something else entirely. In any case, he doesn’t like _not_ knowing.

“They are Sandkru people” Clarke says, “They may only want somewhere to live during the winter”.

Roan scoffs at that. “Yeah, it’s not like they live in the hottest territory already...” He mocks.

Bonker throws him a glare.

“How long before they’re here?” Octavia asks, observing the map of Polis lying on the table.

“A day or two” Bonker answers. “I don’t even know where they’ll live; Polis already has its delegation from Sandkru, I don’t understand why there’s so much people coming in”.

“Maybe they’ll bring tents” Clarke shrugs, and Roan rolls his eyes.

“Anyways, we can’t do much before they arrive” Bonker sighs.

“How do you suggest we proceed?” Clarke asks.

“We wait for them to arrive, and we question them” Roan shrugs, as if it was the normal thing to do. Clarke raises a brow at him, but Bonker doesn’t seem against it.

“Well, I don’t see what else we could do” Bonker sighs.

They stay silent, each of them searching for a better decision; there wasn’t.

“Alright, this meeting is over for today” Bonker announces. “Clarke, may I speak to you?”

He doesn’t have to add “alone”, because they all hear it anyways. Octavia and Roan leaves the room, as do the two guards posted at the door.

Clarke doesn’t ask why Bonker wants to speak alone with her; she waits patiently. But he doesn’t say anything; only watching her, and it’s starting to make Clarke feel uncomfortable.

“What is it?” Clarke finally asks.

But Bonker still doesn’t speak, and gets closer to her. Behind Clarke, he reaches for some book on a shelf; it looks like it’s pretty old; maybe handwritten.

Bonker places it in Clarke’s hands, and Clarke grabs it, hands shaking. She has a feeling about this book.

“Your heart is still calling her. I can feel it” He murmurs; it’s not an accusation, it’s only a statement.

Clarke takes a minute to gather herself. To have the strength to talk.

“It will always” She answers after a while with a faint whisper, her lips shaking and trying not to let the tears gathering in her eyes fall.

Bonker offers her a sad smile. He knows what she feels; thanks to – or because of – the Flame, he hears Lexa’s sorrow, too. Sometimes, it’s taking all his dreams, all his thoughts, everything is consumed by Lexa’s spirit, captured into the Flame, aching to join Clarke and end her suffering.

He puts a hand on her shoulder, and Clarke could swear it _feels_ like Lexa’s touch.

“Always will not be forever, Clarke” He comforts her. “She is watching you; you will be reunited again”.

A lonely tear falls down Clarke’s cheek, as she’s trying her best not to burst into sobs. She has no trouble believing Bonker; Lexa herself said the previous Commanders were talking to her in her sleep. Sometimes, she even considers asking Bonker to meditate so he can speak to Lexa on her behalf; but she knows she can’t. She is not even sure she believes the Flame has this power. And again, she won’t ask Bonker. It would not be fair to every grounder that once lost someone they loved. It would not be fair to Octavia, whose heart still cries for Lincoln too.

Bonker caresses her cheek with a familiarity Clarke swears is not his own, and closes his hands on the book. “Read it, Clarke. You’ll find the answers you’re looking for”.

He leaves the room, leaving Clarke very confused with an old book in her hands.


	8. Written Pieces Of The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I sincerely hope you'll all have a great year, and even if there's bad days, remember the worst day ever only last 24hours! 
> 
> Back to the story, here is another chapter! Enjoy!

** Chapter 8 : Written Pieces Of The Past **

_Song : Stay by Gabrielle Aplin_

 

Clarke stays locked up in her room for a whole day. No one comes to bother her; Octavia is riding with Link in the forest, Alexie is busy learning stuff with Radok. Everyone else knows better than disturbing Wanheda when her door is closed.

Clarke has set the old book on her bed, and paces around it, like it might bite her. She doesn’t know what that book is; she hasn’t opened it yet. But deep down, Clarke knows.

Finally, after what feels like hours staring at it, Clarke picks up the book, and opens it, eyes closed. Without opening them, she runs her fingers on the paper; she can feel the ink behind her fingertips. It’s hand-written, and Clarke immediately knows her assumptions are correct.

She dares open an eye to look at it, and open both of them when she recognised the hand-writing. Lexa’s.

Her breath shakes a little as she sits on the bed; she’s not sure how long her legs will carry her.

 _Alexandria’s diary,_ Clarke reads. She turns the first few pages, and smiles. It has a date at the top of every page, and Clarke knows those were written before Lexa was called to be Heda. It’s not the Lexa Clarke knew, but still, she takes the time to read every word; she’s drunk in Lexa’s mind and thoughts, even if they’re from a eight-years-old little girl.

She learns about how people forced her out of her home when she was really young; so young Lexa says she’s not even sure she lived somewhere else before living in Polis with the Flamekeeper and the others Nightbloods. She reads how Lexa is sad sometimes, about seeing children play in the street with their brothers and sisters, when she knows she has none. She chuckles when she sees that Lexa complains a lot about Titus, whom she thinks is too hard on the youngest of them.

Clarke spends the afternoon reading Lexa’s thoughts on old paper; and even if it’s not the thoughts of Lexa as she met her, she can’t help herself but fall more in love with her, because Lexa was already so _Lexa_ before they met.

But then Clarke stops herself from reading, quickly closing the book; Lexa just said Costia’s name, telling how she met that girl she thought was really pretty. And to Clarke, it feels wrong, like she’s invading Lexa’s privacy, and she’s not sure Lexa would have liked Clarke to read about it.

So Clarke quickly puts the book away behind her pillow, cheeks a bit pinker than they normally are. She doesn’t want to know about Costia. Well, she does, but from Lexa herself. Not that it would be happening anytime soon, though. Clarke sighs, puts her jacket on, and goes out of her chamber. It’s almost dark after all, and she still has to act like everything is fine with Octavia, Link, and Alexie. They are her family, and she can’t forget about them for too long.

Clarke spots Alexie not far away, chatting animatedly with Radok. She smiles, because she knew Radok would be a great friend and protector to her daughter. He has that light in his eyes, the same one she holds, that thing which could make everything ok in a single look.

Clarke thinks Lexa had that look too, sometimes, when she was not shielding behind her walls or consumed by the Heda she had to be. Clarke sighs, because she isn’t even sure it was the truth, or if it’s only her Lexa-deprived mind which makes it up.

* * *

 

 “And so, what did you do?” Radok asks Alexie. He is really trying to suppress a proud smile, hearing Alexie ramble about how she put Konrad to the ground, earlier in one of her training sessions.

“He was trying to grab my arm, but I did what you said, I used my small height and avoided him, kicking one of his legs under him! He fell head first! It was funny” Alexie says, half-laughing while remembering Konrad’s face when he finally understood Alexie had beaten him.

“You are finally beginning to learn a few things, _Aleksie kom Skaikru_ ” Radok nods, hiding his smile under his bear.

“Hey!” Alexie protests, trying to hit him in the shoulder, “That’s all I get?”

“You should not make fun of the enemies you beat” Radok replies, a more serious tone in his voice. “They fight for someone, for something, too. You have to respect the enemy”.

Alexie huffs, because she already heard that lesson more than once.

“And if the enemy doesn’t respect me?” She said, annoyance clearly written in her tone.

“Then you still have to respect him” Radok repeats. “If no one respects anyone... There is no more respect.”

Alexie huffs again because Radok isn’t really making any sense. Well, he actually _is_ , but it’s too much sense to mean anything she can agree on.

“You have to treat your enemy like a real person, with feelings and motives” Radok continues his explanations as they begin to walk back towards Clarke, “That way, you will understand him more; you will learn his weaknesses, and beat him more easily.”

“So you say I need to be _friend_ with my enemy before killing him?” Alexie raises a brow at her protector.

 “All I say is, everyone thinks he does what is best for his people” Radok states. “Life is about survival”.

“It should be more than that” Alexie grumbles.

“It _is_ more than that” A voice interrupts them.

It’s Clarke who just spoke. She puts a hand on Alexie’s shoulder.

“The previous Commander knew life was about more than just surviving” Clarke gently says. “The actual Commander knows it, and the future Commander will have to understand it, too”.

Alexie nods, and runs towards Link who just got back from the forest.

“ _Leksa_ learned that lesson from you, _Wanheda_ ” Radok states with a gentle voice, loud enough only just for Clarke to hear. “ _Bonker_ learned it from you, too. Maybe _you_ should be the one teaching the _Nightblidas”._

“I wouldn’t know what to teach them” Clarke hums. “I never got to watch Lexa teach them. Well, once, but only for a few minutes”.

Clarke remembers that day well. It was before Lexa’s fight with Roan, before she introduced Aden to her, telling her he was to be the one to take the lead if she was to die fighting. It was a long time ago, when Clarke thinks about it; but somehow, it still feels like yesterday.

“You were great leaders, working together” Radok says.

Clarke chuckles. “You weren’t even 18 back then. You didn’t see us working together”.

“Oh but I had ears already” Radok chuckles back, “I heard things. People knew, _Wanheda_. Even if they will never admit it.”

“Bonker is a _good_ Commander” Clarke hums again.

“Because _you_ taught him” The man insists. “This Flamekeeper who assists him used to hate your people. How can you let him teach the future leaders?”

“He hated us for what we did to his people” Clarke sighs. “He was protecting his people as he thought was right. And I let him teach the Nightblidas because it’s still what’s best for his people. Except now, there’s only one people; his people and my people are one”.

Bonker says nothing; but only because Clarke kind of echoed his last lesson to Alexie and he knows she is right. Clarke is almost always right, he learned.

“I know some people would want me to lead” Clarke talks again with the softest voice Radok has ever heard, “And I know I would probably be good at it” Clarke sadly chuckles, “But I wouldn’t know how to do it... Without her”.

Clarke trails her last words off; she’s letting Radok see a part of herself, the most precious part of herself. And Radok nods, because he knows how Clarke feels. Radok may be young, he still understands Clarke led her people after Lexa’s death only for Lexa’s legacy to be peace, as they had wished together. He understands being in Polis is already a huge deal for Clarke. He knows having meetings in the council room and seeing Bonker stand and sit where Lexa once did is like planting a needle in her skin every time she breathes.

And Radok could see how special Lexa was to Clarke. How special she was to anyone, and how she gave her life to her people, and ultimately fought her own people to save Clarke’s life, because love wasn’t weakness anymore. And his heart hurts too, for this young woman who already lost the love of her life; he wonders if she will ever find love again, or if she’ll wait her whole life for her other half to come back to her.

But Radok _knows_ things. He knows it will not be long anymore. He knows the spirits are smart, fair and indulgent and grateful for those who were good. He knows Lexa made the ultimate sacrifice; that her spirit was as strong as Clarke’s, and that they’ll break every barrier to get back to each other. It’s only a matter of time, now.

“Thank you, Radok” Clarke breaks the silence they were in, “For taking care of her”.

“She has a spirit as strong as Lexa’s” Radok nods as a thank you, “And a heart as big as yours. She will be an amazing woman”.

Clarke smiles sadly; she too wants to think Lexa would have raised a kid the way she did. With fairness, to teach her respect, values and equality; with kindness, so she could learn the power feelings could hold, learn the meaning of loyalty and understand the importance of keeping her family, her people, safe; with serious and rigor, so she could distinguish head and heart in choices situations. Clarke wanted Alexie to be better than Lexa, better than her; she wanted her to succeed where everyone else had failed, and never make the same mistakes they had made in the past. They needed someone to lead them all, someone they could look up to. Someone who could understand the Past’s tragedies and learn from them. If Alexie wanted to lead, Clarke wanted her to be the best to have ever led.

But most of all, she wanted her daughter to be happy; to fall in love, and have her heart broken, only to be re-build by someone else; to make lots of friends, whom she could do stupidities with, like teenagers did; to have people loyal to her to death, and whom she could be loyal to back. She wanted Alexie to have children if she wanted to, to travel if she wanted to explore; to have everything Clarke, and Octavia, and Raven and Monty and the others didn’t get to have. She wanted Alexie to be the woman she wanted to be; that was Clarke’s biggest wish for her daughter.

* * *

 

Clarke smiles as she watches Alexie jog-trot to her.

“Hey there” Clarke gently says, putting an arm around her daughter’s shoulders, “How was your day?”

“Fine” Alexie smiles. “But I missed you”.

Clarke has to admit she misses her daughter, too. She has not seen her much in the last two months.

“What about going riding into the forest?” Clarke suggests.

Clarke chuckles at the way Alexie’s eyes lighten faster than a candle. “Yes!” Alexie throws her fist into the air, earning another chuckle from her mother.

“Go put saddles on our horses” Clarke tells her daughter. “I’ll be right behind you”.

Alexie eagerly nods and runs away.

“Your daughter is eager of something” Octavia chuckles, getting close to Clarke.

“Horses ride through the forest” Clarke explains, amused by her daughter’s behaviour.

“Ah, I see now” Octavia smirks.

Clarke smiles back. “How was your day?”

“Good!” Octavia replies, “We had fun. Link is a very curious kid”.

Clarke nods, because she knows that already.

“Actually...” Octavia trails off.

Clarke waits for her friend to voice her thoughts, but as Octavia doesn’t, she speaks. “You can tell me” Clarke says softly.

Sometimes, Octavia doesn’t say some things to her because of the bad or bitter memories it could bring back to Clarke.

Octavia bites her lower lip, but admits it’s better if she speaks her mind. “I was thinking about bringing Link to TonDC” Octavia confesses. “He asks about his father, more than I’m comfortable with anyways” Octavia sadly chuckles, “But I want him to know about _him_ , you know?” She asks in the wind. “Where his father came from, the place where he grew up, and teach him about our history there, in TonDC...”

“That’s a good idea” Clarke gently says, and it surprises Octavia because it was not the answer she was expecting to get. Not that she thought Clarke would be against it, but rather that she would weigh the pro and contra before saying anything.

“You think?” Octavia asks, just to be sure.

“Yes” The Blonde nods. “It’s important to know where they come from. Maybe I’ll bring Alexie to Ice Nation Territory some day, when I’m on a visit” Clarke says.

“Maybe you guys could come with us” Octavia suggests, but without much enthusiasm. She knows Clarke will say no.

Clarke sadly smiles. “I can’t go there yet”.

Octavia nods because she understands, but it doesn’t mean she’s ok with it. “Clarke, years have passed. I’ve made peace with what happened in TonDC” Octavia tries to offer some comfort to her friend.

But Clarke shook her head, memories coming back. “You may have forgiven me, O” Clarke murmurs, thinking about the night Lexa and she let a missile drop on TonDC, killing dozens of grounders, to protect their plan. “But _I_ have not forgiven _myself_ for it, yet”.

“The grounders don’t hold any grudge against you for it” Octavia insists.

“Because they don’t know” Clarke answers back. “They thought it was an attack from Mont Weather, but they didn’t know we knew about it and still let it happen” Clarke says with a bitter taste in her mouth, “They still don’t know we could have stopped what killed their wives, husbands and children in TonDC’s bombing. They are not bitter, because they think it was inevitable. If they had known about this, they would have hated me. Like you once did.” Clarke’s eyes went to look at the ground, the weight of the decision she had made so many years ago still so heavy on her shoulders.

“Clarke...” Octavia says, but she doesn’t have the time to speak.

“I appreciate that you’re trying to get some blame out of my back, O” Clarke offers her friend with a small smile, “But you know as well as I do that nothing will erase the things we did to survive”.

“Bellamy always used to say that the things we did to survive didn’t define us” Octavia sighs. They learned it wasn’t true, since.

“Except they do” Clarke sighs too, “The way we react to a threat is _exactly_ what defines us”.

“You saved as many as you could” Octavia states, knowing it won’t bring comfort anyways, but she still says it; because it was something she couldn’t see back then, but something she can see now. That Clarke was always working to save the majority of them. Not all, because it was impossible. But as many as she could.   

“I know” Clarke nods, because it’s true. She saved a lot of people, eight years ago. “But I was never enough, because some still died in the end.”

“Some still died” Octavia hums.

They stay silent for a while, just taking comfort in each other. They won’t admit it, but spending an entire day without seeing each other is hard. They are each other’s rock to lean onto; they ground themselves to each other.

“One day, I will go to TonDC” Clarke murmurs to her friend. “I know Indra is waiting. But not now”.

“Not now” Octavia nods and agrees, not wanting to push Clarke more.

The brunette knows there’s also another reason why Clarke won’t set foot in TonDC; that’s the place Lexa and she got closer, where their relationship first grew, before behind smacked to the ground by Lexa’s betrayal. Octavia knows Clarke can’t go there without remembering the time she saved Lexa from the Pauna, or this time where Lexa saved her from Quinn who wanted to kill her after a meeting. Octavia _knows_ how hard it is to have all these images from the past running in front of your eyes as your loneliness reminds you you’re alone now.

It’s hard for Octavia too, of course. But it was different. Octavia still has a piece of Lincoln; their beautiful son Link, and most days it’s enough to close the hole in her chest. She had time, with Lincoln; they loved each other fully, and confessed their love a thousand times. They got time to _be_ together.

Clarke... Clarke, she was robbed of that time. Just when they were seeing a future together, destiny smacked them down and robbed them of the most precious thing they had; the other one. Octavia often feels guilty for it; for robbing some of the time they could have spent together. _We don’t have time for this,_ she remembers herself saying to Clarke when she had come to fetch Clarke so she could help them against Pike. Except maybe they _had_ time, and Octavia is one of the reasons Lexa got killed; maybe if she hadn’t ask Clarke to come back to Arcadia with her, she would never had to say goodbye to Lexa. And those thoughts are heavy on Octavia’s shoulders.

Then, she feels a hand on her arm, and Clarke is giving her a tired smile. Octavia isn’t surprised; they can feel each other’s thoughts, sometimes.

“Don’t blame yourself, O” Clarke murmurs. “We all did our best, but _you_ were the best of us”.

Octavia says nothing; she wants to tell Clarke _she_ was the better one, but she knows the Blonde won’t hear it.

Octavia knows they will eventually get better, but she knows it will be harder for Clarke. She even wonders if her friend will be able to build her heart up enough to love someone else.

But as Octavia is discreetly watching Clarke look at the people buzzing in the city, she promises herself to always be there for her friend, and help her build herself up again. Because Clarke is already doing that for her, for years.

* * *

 

Clarke meets Alexie in the stables, who is impatiently waiting for her mother. As soon as Alexie spots her, the young girl jumps on her horse and bring Clarke’s to her.

“You’re ready?” Clarke asks with a smirk on her face, already knowing the answer.

Alexie eagerly nods anyways, and leads her horse to leave town, followed closely by Clarke. Once they’re out of the walls, they speed the horses and ride in the forest for a good hour, not talking. It feels great, and Clarke has to admit she should have done that way earlier. She watches how Alexie is carefree too, in the woods; she kind of reminds of Lexa, when they were on their way to Arcadia with the Ice Queen’s dead body.


	9. The Forest Holds Many Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, long time no see! I'm way over my head with my studies (I did crush my semester with awesome grades though) but I didn't forget about my fics!
> 
> Hope you're all doing ok!

** Chapter 9 : The Forest Holds Many Secrets **

_Song : Light, by Sleeping at Last_

They ride in silence as their horses run through the forest. Alexie loves it, the feeling of the air passing through her hair, the sounds animals they can’t see make, the feeling to be _free._ She glances at her mother, and smiles, because she knows Clarke is enjoying herself too. She notices, though, how Clarke is aware of her surroundings; how she looks in every tree, turn your head at every weird noise.

But then, Alexie frowns; Clarke’s horse takes a path she doesn’t know, and her mind is suddenly exploding with questions as Clarke seems to know very well where they’re headed to.

“Mom?” Alexie asks, too curious not to do so. But instead of answering, Clarke throws her a mysterious smile as she makes her horse speed.

“Mom!” Alexie exclaims, laughing at her mom’s silly behaviour.

And after chasing each other for a few minutes, Clarke gestures at her daughter to get off her horse. Alexie is about to ask another question, but Clarke puts a finger on her mouth to tell her to stay quiet.

“I wanna show you something” Clarke whispers, holding her hand for Alexie to take. The tiny girl is very intrigued now, but takes her mother’s hand nonetheless.

Clarke leads them in front of mass of vegetation Alexie can’t distinguish anything from, and with a mysterious smile on her lips, Clarke separates the branches to make them a hole to go into. Alexie throws another curious look at her mother, but Clarke only gestures for her to come inside. So Alexie enters, and hears her mother follow behind her.

Then, she raises her head, and she can’t stop the awe murmurs that come out of her mouth. “Mom...” Alexie whispers.

They are into a cave, a very big one, maybe seven meters high; a few meters from where they stand, there’s a waterfall coming from literally nowhere; or maybe somewhere in rocks but Alexie can’t see the start of it. She takes a few steps deeper; there’s bright light in the cave, and she wants to find out where it’s coming from. She notices the hole in the top of the cave’s walls; and with the sun shining into it, it makes like a light column falling into the clear blue water.

“You’re coming or what?” Clarke says, already half-naked.

Alexie laughs and hurries herself to undress; she’s happy she can swim, because the pool looks pretty deep. She remembers when she learned how to swim; Clarke taught her, because in Azgeda, there’s almost no running water, only frozen rivers. Clarke herself learned it from Octavia, who learned it with Indra.

Alexie laughs as her mother disappears under the water and chases her to the other end of the pool. Clarke looks free; she _feels_ free here, without people always looking up to her. Well, Alexie is looking up to her, but it’s not the same, and she’s so glad her mother still knows how to laugh and have fun and just _be_.

* * *

 

They play together in the water for a while, and after both girls are running tired of swimming, they get out of the water and sit nearby to dry themselves off. They stay silent for a while, only watching the water fall from the cave’s walls, and enjoying each other’s silent company.

But then, Alexie asks. She doesn’t want to ruin her mother’s mood, but there’s things she really wants to know, things she _needs_ to know, and she feels like it’s now or never.

“Mom?” She asks with a small voice, not wanting to break the quiet of the cave.

“Yeah, Lexie?” Clarke hums, not looking away from the water. She has an idea of what her daughter wants to talk about; because it’s Clarke, of course, and Clarke can sense a lot of things.

“How was she?” Alexie asks her question.

Clarke freezes. Alexie didn’t pronounce her name, but Clarke understood all the same. The little girl doesn’t repeat the question; she knows her mother heard it well.

“She was a great Commander...” Clarke begins.

“No, Mom” Alexie gently interrupts her, “I know all about the Commander. I want to know about _Lexa”._

Clarke sadly chuckles; like she did years ago, Alexie knows Lexa had to be two different persons.

“Lexa was...” Clarke gestures with her hands, “ _Lexa_ was everything you think she is and completely someone else at the same time. She had...” Clarke searches for the best words, “She had that light inside of her, this light you couldn’t see at first, but which was burning bright in her eyes if you took the time to look closer”.

Alexie gently smiles at her mother’s words; and she can see it still saddens her mother to talk about her past lover, but she can also see that after all those years, Clarke can also smile while speaking of Lexa. 

“You would have adored her, Alexie” Clarke murmurs, “Like I did. She was captivating; so young, we both were” Clarke adds, “But yet she was so much older at the same time. It’s like she had already lived a thousand lives, you see?” She asks rhetorically.

Alexie nods; even if she’s not sure it’s possible for someone to live more than one life, she’s ready to believe it for Lexa. Sometimes, she feels like her mother too, already lived a thousand lives.

“She was brave and fearless on a battlefield” Clarke continued, “But _love_ was her greatest fear.”

“How can love be a fear?” Alexie frowns, interrupting her mother.

“Oh, she then learned it was not” Clarke smiles, “But at first she was so scared of love, Lexie. She had already lost someone she cared deeply about, and I think she was scared she was going to lose every person she would grow attached to”.

“But she loved you?” Alexie asks, still not sure to follow her mother’s thoughts.

“Yes, that she did” Clarke sadly smiles. “She learned that maybe love wasn’t a bad thing; that maybe, love was making you _stronger._ And eventually, she learned to show it” Clarke ends the sentence in a murmur.

Clarke still remembers all the moments she felt like something had changed between Lexa and her; when Finn was going to be executed, and Lexa still listened to her. When they were planning an attack against mount weather and Lexa saved her, to be chased by a gorilla and helping each other to stay alive through it. When Lexa took Clarke with her during TonDC’s bombing, half because she was Skaikru’s leader, half because she wasn’t going to let Clarke be harmed. When she saw Lexa’s mask fall for the first time; when Lexa kissed her, and then respecting the fact that Clarke wasn’t ready to go there yet. When she ordered Lincoln to stay with Clarke to protect her, while she was going after the shooters. And even when Lexa told Clarke about the deal; even when she was telling Clarke she was betraying her, Clarke knew deep down that Lexa’s heart was breaking down as hard as hers was. And when Clarke’s despaired and betrayed tears were rolling down her cheeks, Lexa’s single ones were discreetly falling, too.

Clarke was now cherishing those memories; because even if she wasn’t seeing then, now she could see all the moments Lexa had shown her love.

“Is love a fear you have?” Alexie then asks.

“No” Clarke frowns at the question. “Why would you ask that?”

“You said Lexa was afraid of love because she had lost someone she cared about. You lost someone you loved too, are you afraid of love now too?” Alexie rephrases her question.

“Is this your way to ask me why I never fell in love again?” Clarke raises her brow.

“Maybe” Alexie raises her brow back, mimicking her mother.

Clarke sadly chuckles, understanding her daughter’s thoughts. “I am not afraid of love” Clarke says, “and I never was. I just think I wouldn’t know how to love someone else” She confesses. “I loved her so much, Lexie, and this love grows stronger every day, even if she’s not there anymore. I don’t know if I’m ever going to fall in love again, see?”

“She was the one” Alexie whispers, drawing random patterns on the floor.

“I think it’s safe for me to say it, now” Clarke hums in approval. “She was the one indeed”.

* * *

 

They don’t talk for a while, each of them rethinking about what has just been said. Alexie is glad her mother opened up to her; she knows it’s because she’s getting older, and that love is maybe something she’ll experience in the near future. But Alexie doesn’t think about herself; she’s worried for her mom, and if it was up to her, she would open a door in the sky or something to bring Lexa back now. Clarke needed her, now more than ever. And Alexie wasn’t stupid; she knew Clarke was unhappy, and tired, and sad; and even Alexie couldn’t fill this void in her mother’s chest anymore. If everything she had heard was true, and if soulmates could really be reunited, and if Clarke’s and Lexa’s spirits were as strong as everyone was telling her they were, now would be the time to make everything work. Because her mother’s heart was aching for so long Alexie feared it was going to stop beating soon; and losing her mother, Alexie couldn’t deal with that.

“Radok thinks you and Lexa will be reunited again” Alexie speaks again.

It brings a sad smile on Clarke’s lips once again. “I wish it was true” Clarke murmurs.

“You don’t believe it?” The little girl asks, brows rising.

“Oh, I want to believe, trust me” Clarke says, “But after all these years? Someone dead for so long usually stay dead”.

“I thought you said there was a place where people go when they die” Alexie questions.

“Yeah, maybe there is” Clarke hums, “But a dead person can’t leave it, and someone alive can’t join it. I’ll go when it’s my turn to die”.

“So, not for now” Alexie concludes.

“Not for today” Clarke nods back. The blonde checks her watch; it’s her father’s, still intact after all these years. Raven even made a new battery for it after the last ran out.

“Get dressed” Clarke gently says, “It’s time to go”.

Alexie pouts a bit; because she’s only thirteen and she wishes her mother didn’t have all the responsibilities she has; but as Radok said once, _“you cannot change what you were born for, kid”._ She doesn’t make a fuss though, and get dressed quickly. She feels lucky enough to have spent a whole afternoon with only Clarke and she doesn’t want to end the day on a bad note. She takes a last look at the cave, well knowing she probably won’t be able to find her way back here from the city; she internally accuses her mother to have taken a longer way getting here, in purpose. And deep inside, Alexie knows she won’t be coming back to the cave without her mother; it’s Clarke’s cave, and to come here is a gift only for Clarke to give and which can’t be taken from her.

They leave the cave in a comfortable silence, and begin riding their way back to the city. An hour later and they are at the top of Polis’ walls.

“Thanks for today, Mom” Alexie smiles, “I’m happy we could do this. And thank you for talking to me. About _her_.”

“You’re welcome, Lexie” Clarke smiles back, “Go now, Radok and the nightbloods must be waiting for you”.

Alexie waves a last time at her mother and then send her horse running towards the stables. Alone at the foot of the city walls, Clarke looks at the forest once last time, searching for something she thinks she can hear.

It’s like a whisper, a movement of branches and leafs caused by the wind, but Clarke swears she can understand something from it. It’s like... Like it’s calling _her_. Guiding her towards something. And then, she understands. That’s _her_ voice. A name, called in a murmur with a voice she would recognise over a billion ones.

_“Clarke...”_


	10. Sandkru's Skylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter for this fic! Things are getting clearer! Or at least I hope they do... ;) Don't hesitate to ask questions or whatever!

** Chapter 10 : Sandkru’s skylight **

_You can listen to Please by Noah Kahan, that’s a song I like to listen these days ;)_

 

Another month has passed in a blur since the day Clarke and Alexie went into the secret cave. Alexie is doing well on her training; she’s very smart, and a quick learner. Clarke watches with interest, although from afar, her daughter’s progression and is very proud of her.

In the capital, Clarke is starting to feel comfortable again. She doesn’t want to cry anymore when she sees something that reminds her of Lexa; and on some good days, she can even smile or let a tiny laugh escape her lips. People are getting comfortable with Wanheda being back in Polis, too; they are beginning to let her breathe while walking in the streets, and understand now more that she is only one girl, and that she doesn’t have all the answers.

Bonker is very glad Clarke is here; he relays a lot on her. He always takes the final decisions of course, but he always makes sure Clarke agrees with it, one way or another. Bonker knows he’s young, and now even better than Clarke is the most powerful leader living on the ground; for him, she’s the person he looks up to, even if he avoids telling her, for her sake.

Abby, Kane, Bellamy and Echo came to visit last week. Abby was glad to see Clarke seemed to be doing fine enough, and Bellamy also found that Octavia looked happier here; if happy was something they could be.

Speaking about Echo, Bellamy finally admitted they were dating; of course, it was going on for almost a year now, following years of flirting with each other; Clarke and Octavia were happy for him. For _them._ Echo had earned her forgiveness over the years; she was not the enemy anymore.

Clarke walks in the streets of Polis, heading towards the Sandkru quarters; Sandkru’s delegation is in the city for two weeks now, and it’s time for Clarke to meet them.

“Wanheda, finally we meet” A voice says as a man gets up from a chair when he sees Clarke coming towards him.  

Clarke offers him a smile, and her hand to shake. “Hello to you too, Jamal”.

Jamal smiles back and gestures for Clarke to sit. Jamal is _Sandkru_ ’s leader, and it was Clarke that more or less put him on the position after Jamal’s uncle, leader under Lexa’s reign, died.

“So, I guess you didn’t come only to say hello” Jamal says.

Clarke smiles again, because the man is smart; they both know it, and it’s why Clarke likes the guy; she knows he won’t waste time with futilities.

“No, I am not, just as I don’t think you’re here only to visit Polis” Clarke answers. “Bonker told me you where there for business. But I can’t understand why, as you had a great year this year, didn’t you? Aren’t the trade posts enough?”

“I see you are a smart Person, _Klark Kom Skaikru_ ” Jamal smiles, “Although I did know it already. And it is not really for business that I am here. You see” he says, putting his elbows on the table and getting closer to Clarke’s face, “I want my people to learn more about your Skaikru things. We are perhaps the most far away clan from Polis, and I know Bonker will send help if we need it, but until help arrives, we need to be able to provide for ourselves”.

Clarke frowns as she begins thinking in her head; why would Jamal ask for such thing? What is it that he fears? What does he know that Bonker and she don’t?

“You already got a pair of healers in training, here in the Capital” Clarke states. “And if I remember correctly, Raven has a three apprentices team from Sandkru working with her right now. I don’t see what else I can give you, honestly” Clarke hums.

Clarke can see Jamal has something in mind, but she feigns not seeing it; they are both smart people, and at some point he will eventually tell her what he wants, or what he knows.

“Well, there is one thing you could give me” Jamal begins. “Soldiers”.

“Soldiers?” Clarke asks, surprised. “Why? What for?”

“To defend ourselves of course” Jamal says as if it was as clear as water, “Our border is very long and runs for miles and miles, I do not have the number it takes to protect it”.

Now, that’s Clarke’s turn to put both elbows on the table. “Stop playing around with me Jamal” Clarke orders, in a strict but still very calm voice, “What do you know? What are you afraid of?”

Jamal seems to hesitate to tell Clarke, and he keeps quiet for a bit.

“Jamal” Clarke asks again using a kinder voice this time, “Whatever it is that you fear, I’m sure I can be more use to you in knowing what is bothering you. I chose _you_ to be Sandkru’s leader because I knew you could be a great leader, so don’t make me regret it now, alright?”

Jamal bites his lip, and Clarke knows he’s going to talk very soon.

“There had been rumors. Whispers” He starts.

“What kind of rumors?” Clarke asks.

“Some people saw stuff. Stuff that cannot be possible” Jamal adds, but without explaining more.

“What stuff, Jamal?” The blonde insists.

“Someone alive. Someone who is supposed to have died long ago” Jamal confesses, “And some say the dead are rising”.

“Jamal” Clarke raises her brow, “You know someone dead stay dead, right?”

“Don’t make fun of me _Wanheda”_ Jamal retorts, “I may be young but I’m no foul. I know Life stops when a body dies. But it wasn’t always the case” He adds in a whisper.

“What?” Clarke asks, confused, “What are you talking about?”

“I’m just saying” Jamal raises his hands, “There were times when people came back, after death. It’s well known legends”.

“They are exactly what they are, Jamal” Clarke protests, “ _Legends_ ”.

“I’m afraid some tales are true, _Klark kom Skaikru_ ” The man sighs, “But you would want this one to be true, believe me”. Then, Jamal gets up. “I have somewhere else to be. It was a pleasure talking to you, Wanheda.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke gets up quickly, but too late because the man is already gone, “Jamal!”

Clarke huffs; she might be _Wanheda the Commander of Death_ , she still feels like she’s considered and treated as a kid sometimes.

* * *

 

She wanders for a bit around Sandkru’s tents, looking for nothing in particular, just enjoying the warm sun on her face. She feels a bit watched, but she’s grown used to it with the years.

“Clarke of the Sky People” Someone then say her name.

She turns around, to see an old man looking at her with a smile. He is behind a little counter; maybe a Sandkru trader. She’s beginning to be a bit fed up with people calling her around in streets, but puts a smile on her lips anyways.

“Hi, how can I help you?” She says, getting closer to the little shop.

“Oh, nothing you can do for me” The man answers with a smile, “But maybe there’re a few things I can do for _you_ ”.

This perks Clarke’s curiosity. “What do you mean?”

The old man smiles again. “I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself. My name is Paolo, I am an old Sandkru trader”.

“Nice to meet you, Paolo” Clarke says, shaking his hand.

Paolo then calls someone; it’s a tall and pretty man with a perfect shaved beard, maybe thirty years old.

“ _Wanheda_ , this is my son, _Kohl_ ” Paolo introduces them, “ _Kohl_ , this is _Klark kom Skaikru_ ”.

“I know who she is” The man grunts, and gets past them with a second glance to Clarke.

Clarke throws an interrogative look to the old man; she knows not everyone is fond of her, but she just got completely ignored and it’s not something she has seen a lot recently.

“Forgive him” Paolo sighs, “He doesn’t do well with authority figures”.

“Can I ask why?” Clarke asks, still watching Kohl walking away from them with a big of anger in his steps.

“You can” Paolo says, “But you won’t get an answer from me, not yet”.

Clarke raises a brow, but doesn’t push; she is really intrigued by this man, and doesn’t want to upset him.

“Follow me, Klark. I have something for you”. Paolo says, disappearing inside the shop. Clarke thinks about it like, five seconds – what if someone wants to harm her? No one knows she’s here, she is an easy target – but is too curious and enters the shop behind the old man.

The inside is way darker than outside, and Clarke has to take a minute for her eyes to adjust. Once she’s able to see again, she notices Paolo running through his bookshelf, looking for something.

“You’re not going to murder me, are you?” Clarke says, half-joking.

It makes Paolo chuckle. “No, I am not. I am happy that you live, Wanheda”.

Clarke doesn’t respond and keeps herself from thinking over his words too much; she just waits for Kohl to find what he’s looking for.

“Ah! There it is” Paolo finally exclaims, bringing an old book to the table Clarke is sitting at. He puts the book on the table, and Clarke’s heart misses a beat. She recognises it. It is not a book; it looks like the same notebook Bonker gave her; Lexa’s journal. But it can’t be... Can it?

“What is this?” Clarke asks, so tensed she thinks she could break a bone.

“You know what this is, _Klark_ ” Paolo says with a comprehensive voice; and by his tone, Clarke knows it’s what she thinks it is.

“How...?” Clarke asks again, her voice almost at breaking point.

Paolo doesn’t answer right away; he takes two cups out of a closet, fills them with warm water and some herbs, and comes back to sit in front of Clarke.

“I was young, when I came to Polis for the first time” He starts. “I was following my father for a business trip, as he was a member of Sandkru’s leading board. The roads were more dangerous at the time, and it could take us over four weeks to get to Polis. But once I got there...” Paolo says, stars in his eyes, “I fell in love with the City. Everything was so... alive! There were not as diversity in the people as there are now, because the Coalition wasn’t there yet, but still, it was amazing.”

Paolo stops for a few seconds, sipping on his drink.

“I came back to Polis every season after that. I have seen three different Commanders on the throne” Paolo says, and Clarke suddenly has a feeling of where the conversation is heading. “I grew older and wiser. Met the love of my life, and made two beautiful children” Paolo smiles, and Clarkes smiles too, because she can feel he is very proud of them. “And one winter, I heard the news; the Commander had died in battle, and a young girl from Trikru had been chosen”.

“Lexa” Clarke murmurs.

“Yes, Lexa” Paolo hums. “The next summer, I headed for Polis, bringing my children with me, like my father had done years ago. Turned out my daughter was not made to be a trader like me; she was too pure for that. Kohl is good at it; he’ll take my place when the time comes.”

Clarke notices how Paolo talks about his son in the present, but about her daughter in the past. She stores the information, and focuses once more on Paolo’s words.

“I did not see much of her during the summer” Paolo chuckles, “But I thought it was because she was as in love of Polis as I was the first time I set foot in the city. Turned out it was not the city she was in love with”.

Clarke gets curious, but doesn’t ask questions; she wants to know what the point of all of this is.

“The three of us came back to Polis three more summers; and every time, my daughter would disappear all day long” Paolo continues, “The Coalition was created, and the roads began to be easier to travel on; and soon, she was asking to go to Polis twice a year, three times a year. I grew suspicious of course; and one night, I followed her”.

Clarke frowns; she’s not sure she’ll like what she’s about to hear.

“Oh, I was not disappointed with what I found; my daughter, in bed with another woman” Paolo chuckles.

Clarke can’t stop the laugh that gets out of her mouth; well-imagining Paolo’s face when he found out.

“It was already too late, and they were in love” Paolo gestures with his hands, a tender smile on his face. “She stayed in Polis after that night, trying to keep her relationship up and beating, without being noticed. She was so happy, for a time. And a year later, that’s not her who came knocking at my door in the morning, like she always did”.

Clarke tenses. She knows the old man is going to tell her something important; something painful for him, and maybe even for _her_.  

“Her lover was there, on my doorstep, to tell me the Ice Nation had killed her; cut off her head” Paolo whispers, just loud enough for Clarke to hear.

And something in Clarke’s mind clicks. “Your daughter... Costia was your daughter” Clarke murmurs, finally putting all the pieces together.

Paolo nods, a sad smile on his face. “Yes. Lexa was there, her face hidden under a hood so big you almost couldn’t see her eyes; without any paint on her face. I could see the dark bags under her eyes, and the tiredness that seemed to be all over her body; and I knew. I knew my _Kostia_ was no more.”

Clarke’s eyes are beginning to fill with tears; tears for Paolo, who lost a daughter, for Lexa, who lost what that was probably the only real thing she had; tears maybe for herself, because she, too, knows the weight of a loss.

“I saw Heda cry, that day” Paolo murmurs, “Like a teenage girl can cry for a breakup; like it was the end of the world. And I cried with her, too, holding her, while we were both screaming hate at Azgeda, howling revenge for _Kostia_. In the morning, Lexa put her war paint back on, and I didn’t saw her for 2 years.”

“I am sorry” Clarke whispers; she knows she can’t apologize for this, but she doesn’t know what else she can say.

“I know” Paolo hums; he never blamed Lexa for her daughter’s death.

But he isn’t done with the story, so he clears his throat and starts speaking again. “She came to me in a night, two years later; and as the last time we had seen each other, pain and sadness and heartbreak were written all over her face; except this time, I knew why”.

“Why?” Clarke asks, as Paolo stops talking.

“People had fall down from the sky” Paolo says, “Alliances had been made, and a common threat had been discovered. I knew all about you, _Klark_ , all about this young Sky leader who was able to be the equal of the Commander; this leader who could do _anything_.”

Clarke has her ears wide open; she has an idea of where this is going.

“Lexa had made an alliance with your people to take down the Mountains men; but she betrayed you last minute, to save her people. I know that; _Kohl_ was one of them.”

“Kohl was in one of those cages in Mount Weather?” Clarke’s eyes shot wide open.

“Yes, he was” Paolo nods, “And he saw everything; you fighting your way out, freeing Anya; Bellamy saving Echo, and a girl named Maya helping him to get back to your friends inside the Mountain. Kohl was there, and he heard everything. He also understood what was happening when the Mountain Men came to free every grounder in a cell; he saw Lexa turn her back on you.”

A lonely tear rolls down Clarke’s cheek; not because the betrayal still hurts – Clarke made her peace with it years ago – but because Paolo is offering her a chance to re-live everything; re-live a time where Lexa was still alive.

“And Lexa was there, two nights after the betrayal, standing on my doorstep” Paolo continues. “She got inside, and broke. I saw Heda cry a second time; but it was not a teenage sadness this time, it was that kind of sadness that can tear down worlds, a pain that can’t be lifted off of your chest; like her soul had be ripped off. It was all of her responsibilities, burdens and guilt which were crushing down on her, all at once. We stayed up the entire night; in silence, first, because she was trying to calm herself. Then, we talked, for hours; of Kostia, of the Coalition, of the War... Of _you_.”

“Of me?” Clarke asks, not really wanting to believe it.

“Yes, child, of you” Paolo hums with a tiny smile, “She was already in love with you, that night; she had betrayed you, and she thought you had every chance to die. She thought you were dead. But later in the night, words reached my door; that you had defeated the Mountain Men on your own, taking down the biggest threat grounders had ever uncounted. She was so relieved she sobbed and laughed at the same time; she thanked Gods she didn’t believed in, and thanked the Spirit she thought had left her”.

Clarke can see the respect Paolo gives to Lexa, and the admiration he had for her.

“After that night, we went back to our lives; but Heda was not the same, and I think everyone could feel it. Until you were brought to the Capital.” The man says.

“When Roan captured me to deliver me to Lexa” Clarke hums, remembering this time well.

“Yes” Paolo confirms, “And by this time, you were known to every grounder; tales were running about _Wanheda_ , the girl who had brought down the Mountain; the girl who could control death”.

“It was not like that, Paolo” Clarke whispers; she hates every time someone talks about Mount Weather, because she only did what she could to save her people. She saved them, but killed hundreds of others to do so.

“I know” Paolo nods, “ _Kohl_ stayed behind, once being set free from his cage. He saw”.

Clarke says nothing, and just waits for the old man to continue his story.

“You were feared and admired amongst the people, and soon some started talking about your alliance with Lexa; how the Commander of Death had chosen to ally herself to Heda; and if she had chosen to do so, then everyone had to do the same” Paolo relates.

“That’s why I had to bow to her when I hated her” Clarke chuckles.

“You never hated her, child” Paolo gently smiles. “You were hurting”.

Clarke hums; because it is true, she never hated Lexa for the choices she made.

“Before she was called away, Lexa came to me one last night. She gave me this” Paolo points the book with his finger, “And told me to give it to you when the time comes. Two nights later, she was taken away”.

“And you waited all these years to do so?” Clarke asks, beginning to get angry. It doesn’t help that Paolo talked about how Lexa was murdered.

“The time had not come yet” Paolo answers, ignoring Clarke’s anger.

“And now the time has come?” Clarke huffs.

“Now the time has come” Paolo nods, repeating Clarke’s words. “Things are changing. I can feel it. I know you can, too” Paolo says.

“What things? I don’t understand” Clarke almost whines, because she’s beginning to get very confused by everything that people have been telling her lately. And she can feel things changing too, indeed, she feels it in her chore, but has no idea what it’s about.

“You’ll find the answers soon, _Klark_ ” Paolo smiles. “In the meantime, listen to the whispers you can hear; trust your instinct; you know the time has come”.

And without any more words, he gets up and leaves the room, leaving a very lost-Clarke alone with her thoughts.

Clarke stays put for a while, caressing the notebook’s cover with gentle fingers, almost as if she feared she would break it.

* * *

 

After a few minutes, she tugs the book under her clothes and gets out. Clarke takes another minute to breathe the air; then, she spots Kohl, sitting nearby. She’s intrigued by the young man. She has a thousand questions she wants to ask him, but she knows she probably shouldn’t.

She walks until she’s next to him, and takes a sit on the grass he’s sitting on.

“So you were trapped inside Mount Weather” Clarke starts.

“Yes.” Kohl nods.

“How long?”

“I am not sure. Father says I have been a prisoner for two years”. Kohl answers.

“Two years? How did you survive that long?” Clarke’s eyes widen.

“My father” Kohl shrugs. “He has lost a lot of people. I couldn’t make him lose a son, too”.

“I am sorry” Clarke offers.

“I am not angry at you. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t tell them to do what they did. You are the one who smacked down the threat.” Kohl says, turning towards Clarke.

And Clarke gasps. He is wearing an open jacket without a shirt on; his chest is on full display and on it, there’s a tattoo, sitting on his pectorals. It’s not any kind of tattoo; it’s _Wanheda_ ’s war paint’s design, tattooed on his skin with sky blue ink.

“Kohl...” Clarke whispers, tracing with trembling fingers the design on his chest, recognising her war paint from a long time ago, “What is the meaning of this..?”

“It is a mark, Klark” He answers, watching her trace the tattoo, “Wanheda’s mark. When you’ve been blessed by her, when she told Death itself it was not your time.”

“Kohl” Clarke whimpers, “It is not like that...”

“Except it is” Kohl insists, “We may not have the same beliefs in Gods; but you still saved my life in both our cultures.”

Clarke shakes her head, trying to keep her tears at bay. She’s fascinated by the tattoo; it really is a copy of her war paint, but there is something different, and she can’t put her finger on it.

Kohl puts both his hands on Clarke’s, still on his chest.

“It is not a bad thing, _Klark_ ” Kohl murmurs. “It is a thank you.”

Clarke nods; she can’t think of anything else, she’s way too overwhelmed.

“ _Jaken_!” Kohl calls one of the young men playing nearby.

The man looks like he is not older than twenty-five years.

“ _Wanheda_ ” He bows to her.

“Take off your shirt” Kohl orders with gentleness. Jaken’s eyes fill with understanding, and he removes the piece of clothing he is wearing.

Once again, Clarke’s gasps, because there is it, her tattoo again. This time, it is on the man’s ribs, and it’s a bit different of Kohl’s.

“I was taken by the mountain, too” Jaken explains, “Four months before you broke it down. These dots here,” Jaken points his own ribs, showing Clarke the blue dots he is talking about “It’s the number of months I spent in the Mountain before _Wanheda_ judged it was not my time to join my ancestors.”

 “Mine has two lines, because I waited two years before being judged” Kohl adds to Jaken’s explanation.

“Each one of the grounder you freed from the Mountain is wearing Wanheda’s mark; each grounder you saved, one way or another, has a mark too” Jaken finally tells Clarke.

By the time they’re done with their explanations, a dozen of grounders from Sandkru are around her, all shirtless, showing Clarke their tattoo. They are everywhere; necks, biceps, backs, ribs, chests, legs. Clarke is slowly tracing every single one of them, in awe of the men and women standing in front of her, carrying on their very skin the respect, love and gratitude for this blonde woman fallen from the sky. 

Then, Paolo is next to her again. He lifts his sleeve, and shows her the same pattern, melted with what looks like a sand storm.

“I was not taken by the Mountain, but you gave me my life back. We owe you everything, _Klark_. Our clan will never forget” Paolo says.

And Clarke, for the first time in her life, accepts the gratitude they offer her.

 


	11. Rumors Of Old and New Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And other chapter for this story guys! Hope you'll enjoy it!

** Chapter 11 : Rumors of Old Times **

_I suggest you listen to Agape by Bear’s Den (the version from the City Sessions, it’s the acoustic one) while reading the chapter! ;)_

It’s nearly morning, and Alexie is awake before the sun is up. That’s not really a surprise, because like her mother, she has always so much things running in her mind her brain doesn’t let her rest for more than a few hours.

Alexie is getting older now, and there’re things she’s beginning to understand better; all of this is creating an unbelievable amount of questions.

Alexie can’t fall asleep again, so she sighs before getting up with the less noise as possible. She’s not really supposed to get up and go out of the dorms for at least three good hours, but she can’t stay put in her bed much longer. On her way out, she hits her toes on a sword left in the middle of the room, mumbles insults and tries her best not to hit the stupid nightblood who left it here.

On the other side of the door, Radok is silently waiting for Alexie to come out of the room with an amused smile on his face. He’ been Lexie’s protector for almost six months now, and even if the girl is mainly unpredictable, there are still some things that never change.

When Alexie finally gets out, she isn’t surprised to see Radok is already set for the day.

“Hi _Aleksie_ ” Radok greets her, “Trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah” Alexie sighs, running a hand through her messy hair, “Too much questions, not enough answers”.

Radok chuckles, because this is the answer Alexie always gives when she’s beginning to get frustrated about something.

“Tell me then _Nightblida_ , what has taken over your mind?” Radok says as they walk towards the exit of the tower.

Alexie takes her time answering the man; Radok doesn’t mind, and it’s even something he likes in the girl. This way, he is sure Alexie has thought about what she wants to say.

“I heard rumors” Alexie starts talking and Radok can almost see the wheels turning in her head, “About your beliefs. Well, the grounders’ beliefs” She clarifies.

“What rumors?” Radok asks. He already knows what Alexie has heard, but he wants to hear it from her.

“Viktor and Sonja’s cousin has heard things, and told them to me” Alexie says, but purposefully avoids telling more to Radok.

“You are friend with nightbloods now?” Radok raises a brow.

“I am _not_ friends with them” Alexie scolds as if it was somehow Radok’s fault, “But I spend all my days with them. Plus, I have ears”.

“Who is this cousin then, and what did she tell you?” Radok asks, undisturbed about Alexie’s tone.

“A girl from Floukru” Alexie shrugs as if it wasn’t important but Radok can sense it actually _is_ , “She told me rumors that are beginning to spread amongst the clans, and I’m wondering if I should talk to my mother about it”.

“What type of rumors are they?” Radok asks, discreetly helping Alexie make her decision on her own. “Bad rumors? Good ones? Threatening ones?”

“I don’t really know” Alexie says truthfully, “A year ago I wouldn’t even have believed it could be true, but now...”

Alexie stops talking and Radok doesn’t push her. They walk in silence for a while, heading towards the training ring, a few meters from the foot of the tower.  Once on it, they both get their weapons out and beginning practicing against each other. Radok is not going hard on her, because he knows Alexie is physically drained from the past weeks’ training, and he doesn’t want to exhaust her even more for the week to come. They quickly settle in a slow rhythm, perfecting their movements without really aiming at each other.

They are too focused to notice, but Clarke is silently watching her, a few feet away. Like always, she only slept for a few hours tonight, and the recent events and this feeling in her stomach is keeping her up more than ever. She spotted Alexie and Radok walking a few minutes ago, and decided to follow them.

Clarke can’t say she misses her daughter, because she still sees her every day, but it’s not the same. Now, Alexie has other people in her life who loves her and cares for her; Clarke isn’t the only person she would run to if she was to be in trouble anymore, and even if Clarke is more than happy for Alexie, she can’t help but feel a little bit more alone.

Well, if Clarke was to be honest with herself, she would rather say she misses Lexa more these days; and it’s not like all these years mourning her, it’s different; it’s like she could sense that Lexa was so close, but yet so far away, like Lexa was still around and was just waiting for Clarke to come to her.

Clarke slowly shakes her head, because even if she wants nothing more, it is something completely impossible. Her love is gone, forever, and Clarke has made her peace with it for a while now. Well, maybe she won’t ever be completely in peace with it, but at least Clarke has accepted Lexa would never come back.

But things are really getting weird around her, and she can’t help but hears rumors, whispers, and everything is telling her something is going to happen, soon.

Alexie falls on the floor after being punched on the shoulder by Radok, and that’s enough to bring Clarke’s mind in Polis again.

Radok offers a hand to help Alexie back on her feet.

“Radok, do you believe someone dead stays dead?” Alexie then asks.

Clarke is close enough to hear them talking; it’s not like they’re trying to keep their voices low anyways.

“I am not sure I understand the meaning of your question” Radok answers, resuming the sparring.

“Do you believe in reincarnation? Do you believe that when someone dies, the soul can find another body to live in?”Alexie reformulates her question.

And Radok smiles, because he knows what all of this is about. He always knew.

“I believe a spirit lives for as long as there’s someone who remembers. But I also believe that if a spirit is strong enough, it can stay in the body as long as it takes for the body to heal” Radok answers.

“So what?” Alexie digs in his idea, “For example if I were to take a bullet in the chest, and if my spirit was strong enough, I would be dead until my body is good to live again?”

“No, I do not think it works like that” Radok chuckles, hitting Alexie in the legs to try and make her fall, “I rather think that sometimes, people don’t really die, that their body has been hurt and while it is healing, it is put to sleep. If the spirit is strong enough, it awakens the body when the time has come”.

“So there might still be people we knew, alive?” Alexie asks again, and Radok can see she’s beginning to see the bigger picture.

“Yes” Radok hums, “And I think we both know who we are talking about, _Aleksie kom Skaikru_ ”.

“So, the rumors are most likely to be true then” Alexie whispers, lost in her thoughts.

“Yes” Radok nods again, but this time he is gently smiling, “They are true.”

“I have to tell mom about this!” Alexie suddenly says, half-excited and half-worried at the same time.

Radok chuckles at the girl’s behavior. “Your mother is a very intelligent woman, _Aleksie,_ she knows already” He says, “She just has to accept it”. And he quickly turns his head towards where Clarke is hiding, looking her right in the eyes and nodding quickly before giving his attention back to Alexie so she doesn’t notice her mother a few feet from them.

And Clarke can’t move. She’s frozen in her spot; her daughter and Radok’s words have stroked in the faint glimmer of hope still living in Clarke’s body. And it’s dangerous, how this glimmer is starting to lit her entire body like an unstoppable wave taking over all of her senses. And Clarke can’t believe it, she won’t, because she used to be a doctor and because it’s not rational and because they are no logical explanations. But for those very reasons, she also really want to believe what they all heard is true; that everything she feels is true, and that the dark that’s been hanging on the top of her head for the last decade will fade away for good.

So Clarke quickly goes back into the tower, into the one place she goes when she’s overwhelmed, the one place she can still feel like she’s not alone.

* * *

 

With shaking fingers, Clarke picks up Lexa’s old diary, the one Paolo gave her a few weeks ago. She hasn’t read it yet; she just finished reading the first one, and as it is the last things she has from Lexa, she didn’t want to rush.

Clarke opens it, and a fond smile makes its way on her lips; the writing on the first page is clearer, more delicate and proof that Lexa was older when she wrote this. Clarke kind of like how Lexa wrote down her name on it, as if it was to be found by someone else someday.

And then, her breath is caught up in her throat. Lexa isn’t addressing to her diary this time, she’s writing directly _to her_.

_Clarke,_

_Who are you?_

That is  the only words written on the page, and from what Clarke can think, it goes back to one of the first times they met, if maybe the very first meeting, in Lexa’s tent.

 

_Clarke,_

_You intrigue me. I can’t seem to understand you. Some of my people warned be about Skaikru, they grew afraid and from the capitol, I grew afraid too, of this Skaikru person who managed to burn an entire army in a ring of fire._

_But you don’t match the description they made of you. You care about your people, in a way I could never, and your eyes contain no rage, no desire for vengeance._

_You showed respect for Anya, the other day. I thank you._

Clarke is slowly running her fingers on the old paper, trying to see her memories of Lexa, trying to imagine her sitting down after their first meetings and write her thoughts down. It’s _so Lexa_ that it’s warming Clarke’s heart. So Clarke continues to turn the pages. First, Lexa doesn’t read much, only some thoughts she had, or some observation she makes on the Sky people, their organisation, their loyalty system that seems to intrigue her, the fact that the older can’t seem to accept who’s really in charge of their kru.

 

_Clarke,_

_You saved my life today. Well, I guess I saved yours first, but we ran into a Pauna and you didn’t break. You stayed strong, took it down, and refused to leave me even if it was the cleverest thing to do. I was wrong about you Clarke, your heart holds no weakness; but unlike me, it is not because you shut down your feelings; it is because you let them bring you strength and purpose and motivation to do what needs to be done._

_I admire you Clarke, when I thought I would enjoy watching you die under my blade. I admire you, and that is why I am not so sure about what I am doing._

Clarke smiles while reading the part about her heart having no weaknesses; because it is one of the first thing Lexa learned from Clarke, and because in her own way, Lexa helped Clarke see the bigger picture and helped her overcome Finn’s loss and the decision she had to make for the greater good.

 

_Clarke,_

_I kissed you. I kissed you, and you kissed me back. What am I doing? Or rather, what are YOU doing to me? I am drawn to you Clarke, and I can’t stop it. My eyes search for you every time you’re not next to me. You make me want more of this life, way more than what it gives us right now; I don’t want us to survive, I want us to fully live._

_I promise you Clarke, I will now do anything in my power to bring this world closer to the vision you have of it._

Something is tugging at Clarke’s heart when she reads the words; because she already knew she liked Lexa back then, but wasn’t sure what to do about it. And she would have wanted the occasion to tell Lexa that she, too, was spending her time searching and looking for her, because Clarke was as intrigued and attracted by Lexa as Lexa was in return.

 

_Clarke,_

_I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to tell you. I wish there had been another way to do this, and I wish I had been a better leader, and I wish I had found a solution to save your people, too._

_This feels as much as a betrayal to me as it must feel to you. I don’t want you to think my intentions towards you weren’t serious; you were not just somebody to me, Clarke, and I don’t want you to think that you and your people were expandable. I am just so sorry I had to be Heda in all of this; my people come first, and will always do._

_Know that I will never forgive myself for what the Mountain men will do to you and the ones you love._

_Goodbye, Clarke._

A single tear is rolling down Clarke’s cheek; because even though she has forgiven Lexa for the betrayal years and years ago, she never quite really got an explanation for it, nor did she ever talk with Lexa about it. So, reading Lexa’s thoughts on the matter, and feeling all the sadness that is laced with the written words is doing something to Clarke. And Clarke, once more, wishes she could go back and take Lexa’s guilt off her shoulders.

Clarke sighs as to get rid of the emotions, and moves on to the next page.

 

_Clarke,_

_You did it. You lived. You’re alive! How you brought the mountain down, I don’t know. But Clarke, people say you won. People say you’ve destroyed it, and that your people are safe, back to the remnants of your spaceship._

_Today is a happy day for me Clarke. I know you won’t ever want to see me again, but that’s ok because you are alive and breathing. It doesn’t erase the betrayal, but it eases a bit of my pain._

_I hope you and your people will be fine; and now that we have peace, maybe we will be able to agree on terms to live around each other, and to have peace for all the clans; yours included._

Clarke chuckles. Back then, Lexa didn’t know Clarke had left her people to go alone in the wildness, and that she wouldn’t be the one Lexa would deal with about the peace treaty.

 

_Clarke,_

_Where are you?_

_I couldn’t resist more than a few weeks to see a glimpse of you, so I rode to Tondc, officially to see if the reconstruction of the village was going well._

_Clarke, they told me you were gone. Gone where? Where did you leave? What made you leave? Are you safe?_

_Bellamy said you couldn’t bear the decision you made at the mountain, but no one would tell me about it. What did you do that has broken you enough to leave the people you were so dedicated to?_

_I know you won’t appreciate it, but people are calling you Wanheda now, it means Commander Of Death._

_I am proud of you Clarke. You did what I couldn’t._

_I hope you are safe, and I hope you’ll return soon. I hate to admit it, but I miss you._

Clarke grits her teeth, because after all the years she still doesn’t like the nickname, even if its meaning changed a bit over the years.

 

_Clarke,_

_I found you. I finally found you, after months of having people looking for you. I am sorry to do it this way, but it was the only way to make you safe. The Ice Queen wants your head, and I can’t bear the thought of receiving it in a box._

_I know you hate me, and it hurts. But you are safe, and it is all that matters to me._

Clarke can’t help but laugh as she remembers the week following her capture by Roan. How she spat on Lexa’s face, how she spent the week planning Lexa’s death to stop herself at the last minute, how she lost so much time persuading herself she hated the Brunette when she really didn’t.

 

_Clarke,_

_You backed me up today, and I thank you. You probably saved the coalition, and even if I know you did it for your people, there is a part of me hoping you did it a bit for me, too._

_I have much to apologise for, and I will do so until the day I die. But something is beginning to change between us, and this time, I won’t let it slip through my fingers._

Another tear rolls down Clarke’s cheeks, because it is the last entrance in the diary; Lexa never got to write the next one.

Clarke wipes her eyes while sniffing, but doing so, she accidently flips a few pages, and opens the notebook on other written page.

Clarke’s eyes widen. This is not the same ink as the one used in the past pages, and the writing is messier, as if the author had had trouble writing, or like it had been long since the hand had held a pen. It is still Lexa’s handwriting though, Clarke is sure of that.

 

_Clarke,_

_If you read this, then I am dead for a few years now. Well, it is probably more correct to say I died. If Paolo gave you this, then it is time._

_We have been apart for too long Clarke, and it is time our souls meet again. Follow the whispers, but most of all, follow what you heart knows._

_You know how to find me Clarke, I know you do._

_Forever yours,_

_Lexa._

 

Clarke drops the notebook as if it was on fire, her breath hard and way too fast. Wheels are turning so fast in Clarke’s head that she feels like the world is spinning around her.

Lexa wrote this after she died. Many, many years after she died, Clarke sees it as clear as water now. She gets up. Only one person can get her the confirmation she needs. Well, she can think of a few people actually.

Clarke quickly tucks the book under her clothes, and gets out of the tower like fire is running after her. People in the street are a bit starring at her because Wanheda is running with tears rolling down her cheeks, but Clarke doesn’t care about it.

Right now, she cares about the faint glimmer of hope burning hard and strong in her chest; this fire that has never stopped burning since that night years ago. And Clarke needs to be sure; or she’s convinced she’ll die soon. 

* * *

 

A few feet away, Octavia is training with Link and a few kids from Polis. Something tells her to turn her head, and she spots Clarke running, a few streets away towards Sandkru’s tents. Octavia immediately knows something is wrong, because as good as a warrior that Clarke is, she never _never_ runs unless a life is on the line. She tucks her sword on her belt and runs in her direction. Link doesn’t ask questions; he figured what was happening as soon as he saw her mother spot Clarke. It is part of the special bond they have between them, like a sixth sense or something; it is like they can always know when the other is not okay. So Link doesn’t worry and resumes practicing with his new friends, but takes note to go find Alexie after her training session with the Nightbloods to talk to her about it.

* * *

 

Clarke busts in Paolo’s shop, unannounced and uninvited.

“You knew” Clarke says, her voice accusatory.

“What did I know?” Paolo asks back, feigning not to understand her; he does, but he wants her to find everything by herself.

Clarke gets out Lexa’s notebook from her secret pocket in the inside of her jacket.

“Lexa didn’t give you this before she died, like you told me” Clarke says again, her voice half-angry half-hopeful, “She gave it to you _after_ she died.”

Paolo says nothing, so Clarke continues to talk.

“I heard things, Paolo, in my sleep, in the streets, everywhere I go” Clarke rambles, beginning to pace in the room, “And I swear that if everything is a lie, or a bad joke, that is not funny at all as I am beginning to lose my fucking mind over this, so please” Clarke is now begging, her eyes welling with tears, “Please, tell me this means what I think it means”.

Paolo says nothing for a while, but then, he grins. And Clarke knees buckle as she falls on the ground.


	12. Searching For Green Eyes

** Chapter 12 : Searching for green eyes **

_You can listen to Waves by Mattia Cupelli while reading, it’s a song without words, but it’s really powerful and beautiful! It always brings me a lot of emotions listening to it, so I’m encouraging you to go give it a shot ;)_

 

_Clarke busts in Paolo’s shop, unannounced and uninvited._

_“You knew” Clarke says, her voice accusatory._

_“What did I know?” Paolo asks back, feigning not to understand her; he does, but he wants her to find everything by herself._

_Clarke gets out Lexa’s notebook from her secret pocket in the inside of her jacket._

_“Lexa didn’t give you this before she died, like you told me” Clarke says again, her voice half-angry half-hopeful, “She gave it to you_ **after** _she died.”_

_Paolo says nothing, so Clarke continues to talk._

_“I hear things, Paolo, in my sleep, in the streets, everywhere I go” Clarke rambles, beginning to pace in the room, “And I swear that if everything is a lie, or a bad joke, that is not funny at all as I am beginning to lose my fucking mind over this, so please” Clarke is now begging, her eyes welling with tears, “_ Please _, tell me this means what I think it means”._

_Paolo says nothing for a while, but then, he grins. And Clarke knees buckle as she falls on the ground._

 

Clarke’s head is spinning so much she feels like throwing up; everything she heard, everything her guts have told her _for years_ can be true. It’s impossible. Clarke knows it _should_ be impossible, but she is starting to believe it, and god be damned if she dies trying to find the answer. It’s too good to be true. It’s way too good, and she’s not sure the hope starting to wake up in her stomach is a good thing.

Paolo takes a step forwards to help her, but Octavia is somehow faster and busts into the shop coming out of nowhere, kicking the door open and throwing herself on her knees next to Clarke, embracing her friend and checking all over her.

“Clarke!” Octavia says, her voice full of worry searching for a wound or something, “What’s happening, are you ok?”

Clarke looks up into her friend’s eyes, trying to ground herself and gather strength. She can barely see her; her eyes are blurred with tears, and she has trouble breathing.

“Clarke...” Octavia whispers, suddenly very worried about her friend, because Clarke hasn’t break down like this for a while now. She runs her hand along Clarke’s face, trying to soothe her; she wants to know what is going on, she wants to do more, but she knows better than push.

So when Clarke doesn’t answer, but hides her face in Octavia’s shoulder, body shaking with silent sobs, the dark haired woman doesn’t say anything and let her friend takes the comfort she needs. And when she feels hot silent tears fall on her shirt, she still doesn’t say anything and runs a hand up and down Clarke’s back until Clarke can breathe normally, rocking her slowly.

And Paolo watches. He watches Clarke cry big fat tears, as he watched Lexa cried all those years ago. He watches as relief seems to bring back Clarke’s body to life, like Lexa’s came back to life when she heard Clarke was alive after the Mountain. He watches Clarke letting Octavia comfort her, and he watches Octavia’s own pain when she spots Lexa’s notebook on the floor while she begins to understand what this is all about. Paolo watches as he sees tears growing in Octavia’s eyes too when she finally understands the rumours she heard are true; when she is reminded there are no rumors for her own lover.

But Paolo also watches how she wipes all thoughts quickly, bringing her focus back onto Clarke. How she takes comfort from Clarke too, how they lean on each other so much you can’t know who’s the most affected by the situation anymore.

After a while, Clarke seems to have calmed down. She breaks from Octavia’s hold, and wipes her eyes, sniffing. Octavia’s eyes are red too, but she is smiling to her friend. Clarke knows why there’re tears in Octavia’s eyes, but also knows there’s not much she can do about it.

“Octavia...” Clarke murmurs.

“It’s ok Clarke” Octavia gently smiles, “We’ve known for a while, haven’t we..?”

Clarke weakly chuckles, wiping her eyes once more. “I need to go”.

“ _Duh_ ” Octavia looks at her like it was obvious. She gets up, and holds her hand for Clarke to take. “Come on.”

Clarke takes her hand and gets up. “What do I do?” Clarke asks her friend.

“What does your heart tell you?” Octavia asks another question instead.

“I don’t know!” Clarke shrugs, still overwhelmed with emotions.

“There is a private room, in the tower” Paolo says, speaking for the first time since Octavia busted into the shop, “Full of books. If you have question, you will find them here.”

Clarke looks at him; _really_ looks at him, and she’s almost sure he already knows how to solve everything. But what fun would it be, if she was given all the answers right away?

“Go” Octavia tells her, “I’ll look after Alexie tonight. Just send a message if you leave the city, alright?”

Clarke nods, picks up Lexa’s diary and embraces her friend once more before running away towards Polis’ tower.

* * *

 

Clarke runs, like she never has run in her life. Her heart is beating so fast in her chest she feels like it’s going to pump out of her ribcage and fall on the floor. As she runs, she vaguely notices no one is stopping her to ask questions; not a guard, not a friend of hers is asking her why she’s running like she has the devil following her. Clarke doesn’t think too much about it though, and the thought is quickly erased.

Finally, Clarke reaches the room Paolo talked about; it’s indeed full of books from the ancient world; like the few ones Clarke saw Lexa read.

Out of breathe, she has to take a few seconds to calm herself down and organise her thoughts. Then, she truly takes the room in; and huffs when she finally reminds herself she doesn’t even know what she’s looking for.

She begins to wander through the room, letting her fingers run of the covers of dusty books, some with really simple covers, and others with intriguing designs on it. Then, Clarke comes back in the middle of the room, scanning the shelves with her eyes to see if something could catch her attention; something out of the ordinary, or maybe some clues Lexa could have left for her to find. Clarke almost scolds herself for thinking that, but she’s desperate and everything is worth the try.

She doesn’t see it, at first. Her eyes run on it like they run on every other book. And then, it clicks. The little white design drawn on the top of a book’s black cover. Clarke knows it.

She grabs the nearest chair she finds and almost jumps on it, barely avoiding falling from it, and grabs the book she saw. Her hands are shaking when she looks at it closer; this design, she could have recognised it over thousands.

It’s Lexa’s back tattoo; the one Lexa got on her ascension day, the one with the circles for every nightblood that died during her Conclave.

And Clarke knows. She knows it is Lexa’s clue to find her; the only remaining person to know this tattoo is Clarke. Titus is dead. The Nightbloods from under Lexa’s command are dead, too, thank to Ontari, and everyone who could have known it died. Clarke is the only one still alive to remember it.

With weak fingers, Clarke opens the book; it looks like it’s a normal book, explaining a love story through its characters. But Clarke knows better, and quickly notices the tiny dots under some letters; she grabs a pen and a sheet of paper, and starting the book from the beginning, she writes the letters down.

And it’s forming words. Clarke is smiling inside, because of course Lexa would be the one to do something like that. After what seem like an eternity, Clarke has finally arrived to the last page, forming the last words.

Clarke takes a step back, trying to understand the message.

 _Where the sun aligns with earth_  
You will find me  
Where the trees are leaning down on you  
You will find me  
Where a treasure is hidden behind green curtains  
You will find me  
And when my fingers touch your skin  
You will have found me. 

Clarke frowns, because it doesn’t make any sense at all; she guesses Lexa is describing some place in the forest, or near Polis, but can’t seem to understand where to start.

“Where the sun aligns with Earth...” Clarke starts mumbling to herself, trying to get the meaning of the sentence.

What could Lexa possibly mean? The sun is always aligned with the Earth, isn’t it? Clarke starts to pace in the room, wracking her brain in every direction. And then, Clarke has an idea. She knows a place who could fit the description; the old solar compass, engraved in stone, standing between ruins, not far from Polis.  That could work.

Clarke takes the book with her, and quickly goes into her room to pack some stuff in a bag for the travel. It’s not far away, but she might spend the whole day looking for clues, anything that could prove she’s not dreaming. She throws Lexa’s diaries into the bag, too; they are her most precious possessions, and she’s not going away without them.

Once she’s done, she tells her guards to go find Octavia and tell her she’s going to be gone from the city for two days. Clarke almost certain she will be back before then, but better be safe than sorry with Octavia going mad because she’s late to come home.

Clarke goes up to Lexa’s bedroom; the untouched bedroom, Clarke’s own personal torture room. She takes a final look at it.

“You better be with me when I come back here, Lexa” Clarke murmurs.

And then, she’s gone.

* * *

 

Alexie is stopping what she’s doing at the second she spots her aunt coming towards Link and herself. Link told her what he saw, and Alexie already suspects something is wrong. And with every step Octavia takes towards them, she can see the still red eyes she has, and the mixed joy and sadness expression she had painted on her face.

“Mom?” Link asks, having stopped sparring too, “What’s happening?”

Octavia weakly smiles. “Nothing important, don’t worry”.

But Alexie won’t have it; she looks at her aunt with a determined look, not convinced at all. Link doesn’t ask more questions, and goes back to practices his sparring techniques with Radok, who’s discreetly watching Octavia’s behavior with one attentive eye on her.

Octavia gestures for Alexie to come closer, and the girl all but rushes over to her aunt.

“Where’s my mother? Did something happen to her?” Alexie asks in whispers, teeth gritted.

“Clarke is ok, Alexie” Octavia reassures her, “She is going to be away for a couple days.”

“What for? Where?” Alexie asks again, not really believing her mother could have left without warning her.

“I don’t know” Octavia truthfully answers, “but she’s following her heart.”

“Oh” Alexie murmurs, understanding the meaning behind Octavia’s words.

“You know?” Octavia asks, a bit surprised and suspicious.

“I know” Alexie hums back, “I am not seven. Whispers are running”.

Octavia hums, a bit impressed with the little girl.

* * *

 

Clarke is walking through the forest for almost two hours now. She could have taken a horse, but she wanted to be discreet. She doesn’t need anyone going after her. She’s almost there, and that’s when she notices the quiet calm spreading into the forest. There’s not a single bird singing, not a noise of any animal of any kind.

Clarke finally spots the ruins, a few meters away, and lightly runs towards it. It looks like an old town, maybe a small village from before the radiations, and Clarke thinks it is kind of beautiful how nature took everything back, covering walls up with bushes and trees and climbing plants.

Clarke then spots the solar compass, still intact. She brushes it with her fingers, fondly smiling at the memories this place brings back. She came here, once or twice, with Alexie, when she was just a kid, and when Clarke needed to feel close to Polis but couldn’t set foot in the city.

She inspects it, re-read Lexa’s words. _When the sun aligns with earth_. Clarke sighs, because she has absolutely no idea what she can do with this. So she sits on a fallen stone column a few feet away, taking food out of her bag, and starts eating, peacefully listening to the forest.

She’s impatient, it’s true. She can feel she’s so very close, but oddly enough, she doesn’t want to rush anymore.

And as she’s lost in her thoughts, something is suddenly shining in her eyes. The sun. The sun is reverberating on the stone compass, making a ray of light illuminate some kind of big rock with a lot of vegetation on it.

Clarke frowns, quickly put everything back in her bag and gets close to what looks like a little mound of grass.

Carefully, she discards the ivy branches running all around, and almost gasps when her hand finds nothing behind. With her arms, she quickly pushes aside everything she can so she can see better. And indeed, there’s nothing behind. Well, there is _something_ , but it’s like she just discovered a little cavern.

Clarke has to take a step back, and that’s when she notices the weeping willows standing on top of everything. _When the trees are looking down on you_ , realisation dawns on Clarke. This is what Lexa wanted her to find.

Clarke doesn’t waste any time and enters the little cavern, getting through the vegetation running all over the walls; and that’s when she sees it. The spot of white light, coming from the other end of the cavern.

Clarke almost trips running towards it. She pushes aside the bushes in her way, and has to brutally close her eyes as the sun is suddenly blinding her.

Clarke hears, first. She hears laughs. Shout of joy. People training in the back ground. Children, too? And as her sight is slowly returning, Clarke opens her eyes.

And she gasps as she registers what she sees. People. Children, running after each other with wooden sticks. Smoke, getting out of tiny beautiful houses. Clothes, hanging on ropes, and meat being chopped off of some animal bones.

It’s full of life, and beautiful and pure, and Clarke thinks she’s dreaming.

 

But then, a pair of arms is wrapping around her waist, and Clarke stills.

Her breath stops, as a familiar nose nudges into her neck.

And Clarke remembers.

The smell of the forest, of wood and iron, of fresh flowers and leaves and sky as blue as her own eyes.  

The touch, delicate, tender, as if she was to break at anytime; a touch asking for permission as if Clarke was to push it away; a touch raising goose bumps all over Clarke’s body as long and delicate fingers come to rest on her arms.

The sound; silent as ever, but still so loud, as she hears the light footsteps stepping behind her.

Clarke closes her eyes, slowly leaning her head backwards onto the person behind her. Her hands, almost shy, are gently running on the very familiar arms to finally rest onto the beloved hands she recognise all too well.

 

A single tear rolls down her cheek. Because finally, _finally_ , Clarke is home.

 

And after almost a decade, Clarke finally truly _breathes_.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think of this chapter? don't be shy, leave a comment and tell me if I should continue writing! ;) Also I'm not english but french, so I'm sorry if there's mistakes in my writing :) Until next time!


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